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No Harm Done If You Don’t Teach Your Kids to Self-Soothe
I firmly believe that children are born with their own unique temperament. The moment my two little ones entered the world, I could see their distinct personalities. My eldest, a spirited and determined baby, continues to be a whirlwind of energy, making him both a joy and a challenge. Then there’s my youngest, who emerged with a twinkle in his eye and a smile that could light up the room (even if one of those eyes was sealed shut with newborn goo). He remains a delightful mix of creativity and empathy, with just a hint of rebellion.
Beyond their personalities, I think babies also come with their own “sleep temperament.” Sure, factors like feeding methods—breastfeeding often leads to more frequent wake-ups because breastmilk digests faster than formula—play a role. But some babies seem to have an innate ability to settle themselves to sleep with ease.
Take this recent experience: I was visiting some friends and spotted a newborn lounging on the couch next to her mom. She had just finished nursing, looking drowsy but not fully asleep. As she gazed at me, she fussed a little before her eyes began to droop, and she peacefully drifted off. I was stunned!
I had always heard the advice to “put your baby down drowsy, but awake.” But with my boys, that never worked. I would nurse them into a sleepy haze, then lay them down, only for their eyes to pop open like I had just pulled a magic trick. When I asked the mom of the calm baby what her secret was, she simply said, “She’s always been like this.” Sleep training? Not a chance.
Contrarily, it took me until my oldest was 9 to finally tuck him in and leave the room without turning back. (Though honestly, it probably started happening when he was 7 or 8, but I was too tired to pinpoint the exact moment.)
While some parents opt for sleep training, it was never the route my family took. I just couldn’t bear the thought of letting my baby cry, and deep down, I doubted it would even work for my boys given their sleep styles. I’ve met plenty of babies for whom sleep training didn’t stick, either. They might have done well for a few months, but then a cold or a vacation would throw everything off.
So, if you find yourself in the same boat with a baby who hasn’t picked up self-soothing skills—or if you tried and it flopped—rest assured, you’re not failing. It can be tough to deal with a challenging sleeper, but it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you or your child.
Self-soothing isn’t a mandatory milestone for baby sleep. Yes, it can ease nighttime struggles, but you can find ways to cope with the exhaustion. Consider switching off bedtime duties with a partner, co-sleeping for convenience, or even using devices like iPads to snag a much-needed nap. Remember, what works for one parent might not work for another, but prioritizing self-care can help restore your sleep and sanity.
Most importantly, even if you never teach your child to self-soothe, they will eventually figure it out on their own. I can’t say when it will happen—hopefully sooner than it did for my kids—but it will. Kids naturally seek independence. No one heads off to college needing their mom to tuck them in.
This article was originally published on July 20, 2016.
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In summary, while teaching self-soothing isn’t an absolute necessity for baby sleep, it’s important to remember that every child is different. By prioritizing your well-being and seeking support, you can navigate the ups and downs of parenting without feeling like a failure.