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A (Mostly Accurate) Recap of the Final Night of the Republican National Convention
Wow, what a night! It’s finally Trump night at the Republican National Convention! The moment we’ve all been waiting for, where Donald Trump is set to accept the nomination, and everyone is buzzing about his upcoming speech—supposedly only 45 minutes long. I have a good feeling about this one, though I’ve been wrong before!
The theme of the evening is “Make America One Again,” suggesting that Trump aims to unite us all. This is a man who emphasizes the commonalities that bind us—like race, religion, and traditional values. Ah yes, what a wonderfully homogeneous America we seem to be heading toward! And let’s just say the catering left much to be desired.
Let’s dive into the highlights from the speakers:
Sheriff Joe Arpaio
“I’m here to win over the Hispanic vote and, oh wait, I’m out of Mexicans!”
Meanwhile, Paul is sitting in a corner, contemplating life decisions with a drink in hand.
Reese Perkins, Chair, Republican National Committee
“Thank you all. Tonight, I’m gum-free and ready to speak like an adult. To some, America is just another country, but we know it’s special—right, Mom?”
“Democrats think they’re the best, but we’re the party of open doors!” [Crowd chants: “BUILD THAT WALL!”] “Not now, you guys!”
Perry Thorne, Co-founder of PayPal
“Hi, I’m Perry, and guess what? I’m proudly gay! Before I share my story, let me just say my parents started here in Cleveland.”
One delegate whispers: “Does that mean we’re all gay?” Another responds, “Quiet, Jerry!”
“I’m proud to be a gay Republican and an American!” [Crowd erupts in applause.]
Tom Barrett, CEO, Capital Ventures
“Here are five fabulous reasons to elect Trump: He’s on time, he connects with everyone, he breaks down barriers, he’s as disciplined as a jungle animal (whatever that means), and he once remembered my son’s name after a helicopter ride! What a guy!”
Paul Ryan is visibly distressed, chain smoking in the background.
Ivana Trump
“I’m here to talk about my dad, but without any juicy stories because, well, you heard Tom’s family tale. When the primaries got tough, he created nicknames for his opponents and blamed their families for everything!”
“My dad will do wonders for women—he’ll make childcare affordable, fight for equal pay, and I’ll be right there to ensure he doesn’t sign any ridiculous bills. By the way, did you know that motherhood is the real cause of the wage gap?”
Paul Ryan is now fashioning a noose from his tie.
Donald J. Trump
“Friends, delegates, and fellow Americans, I graciously accept your nomination for President of the United States.”
Outside, thunder cracks and the vibe becomes ominous.
“Who knew we’d get this many votes? (Inner Trump: I did; I always knew.) We’ll lead this country back to safety and prosperity. We need law and order!”
“Everyone is getting murdered, and why? Because illegal immigrants are flooding our communities.” [Crowd chants: “BUILD THAT WALL!”]
“Hillary Clinton is weak and her decisions have led to chaos. My plan starts with safety at home because an attack on law enforcement is an attack on all of us!”
“I’ll protect our L…G…B…T…Q citizens from foreign hatred, but let’s not focus on domestic issues.”
“I’m going to renegotiate trade deals because why not? Oh, and I’ll lower taxes!” [Paul Ryan is now desperately trying to stay awake.]
“And now, I want to thank my family and supporters, especially the evangelicals, though I’m not sure I deserve it.”
“God bless you all, goodnight!”
And just like that, we survived the final night. Next up, the Democratic National Convention—get ready for some real excitement!
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In summary, the last night of the Republican National Convention was a whirlwind of mixed messages, bizarre anecdotes, and a strong sense of urgency. With a mix of humor and absurdity, the night concluded with Trump making his case for leadership and the future he envisions for America.