Updated: Dec. 18, 2015
Originally Published: June 11, 2015
This narrative isn’t focused on the loss of our daughter, Lily. While many mothers have shared their experiences of losing a child, and those stories offered me solace during our grief, I want to highlight the journey of our child left behind.
During Lily’s health struggles, my partner Mark and I were overwhelmed—dealing with medical emergencies, hospital visits, and the constant worry. Our son, Jake, who was just 5 at the time, missed out on the carefree days of preschool and playdates in our backyard. But in the midst of our crisis, we found ways to nurture Jake, often without realizing it.
One particular activity became our lifeline: strolling. Jake has always been an outdoor enthusiast, just like me. As a baby, whenever Jake would cry, we would head outside, sitting in the grass to see what nature had to offer. Whether it was an ant crawling by or the gentle rustle of leaves, these moments calmed both of us, allowing us to regroup.
Unintentionally, nature became our refuge again as we moved from our cozy home to a rental closer to the hospital. Our strolls—sometimes brief, sometimes lengthy—provided a much-needed framework for us to bond, unwind, and share silly moments. Jake would excitedly grab his colorful Crocs, look at me with anticipation, and ask, “Can we go for a stroll, Mom?”
We took countless walks during Lily’s brief life, but one particularly stands out. After a rough morning filled with chaos—Lily experiencing a severe seizure—Mark and I fell into our routine: he called for help while I prepared the hospital bag. As he took Lily to the ambulance, I stood on the porch with Jake, listening for the fading sirens. Suddenly, we heard a distant thumping sound of music. Jake’s face lit up. “What’s that, Mom?” he asked, shaking his little body to the beat. “I don’t know!” I replied. “Let’s find out!”
Jake eagerly donned his Crocs, and we rushed down the stairs to follow the sound. As we got closer, the music grew louder, and Jake burst into a run, a huge smile plastered across his face. In that moment, the weight of Lily’s seizure faded away, replaced by the joy of discovery.
We reached a local park where a crowd of people in purple shirts were walking to the rhythm of upbeat music. Jake joined in, dancing to Salt-N-Pepa’s “Push It,” completely unburdened by the earlier events. It was a moment filled with joy and love—one of many cherished memories tucked away in our hearts.
I often think of Lily’s deep love for Jake. She watched him with such admiration, her gaze filled with a unique understanding. Throughout her life, Jake would often imagine a future for Lily, believing she too would grow up and become a mother. His hopeful thoughts sustained us through our darkest days. Their bond, rich with love, didn’t break our hearts; it expanded them.
Three years later, Lily continues to inspire us. We welcomed another daughter, Mia, into our family, and Jake shares stories of Lily with her, reminiscing about the joy she brought. We are grateful for every moment we have, and I cherish my sweet Jake, my child left behind.
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Summary:
This heartfelt piece reflects on the journey of a mother as she navigates the grief of losing her daughter while also cherishing the love and growth of her son left behind. Through simple yet profound experiences, she illustrates the importance of family bonds and the enduring impact of love.