August 9, 2023
This is a topic I’ve replayed countless times — in my thoughts, my journal, during midnight prayers, in chats with friends, and during open-hearted conversations with my partner — but never out loud and certainly not this candidly. I’m truly thankful that we live in a time where the conversation around pregnancy loss is becoming more open. While many aspects still remain a mystery, it’s a discussion that’s gaining traction. More women are stepping forward, sharing their experiences of loss or challenges in conceiving. I often mention that writing about healing is a crucial part of my journey.
As I began to process our three losses, one realization hit me hard: the scope of grief extends far beyond the loss of a life. While that’s undoubtedly the most heart-wrenching aspect, it’s just the tip of the iceberg.
I received a lot of support from those around us, yet I wasn’t prepared for the unexpected grief that emerged in the months that followed. So, in the spirit of honesty, here are three things I didn’t anticipate grieving as we faced recurrent pregnancy loss.
1. Mourning the Trust in My Own Body
First, I mourned the trust I had in my own body. It’s a harsh truth — we often assume we’re invincible in our youth, believing that anything we desire is within our grasp. My partner and I envisioned our family growing on our terms, but that dream began to crumble, leaving me feeling adrift.
Why couldn’t my body carry a pregnancy? I felt like I was failing at a fundamental role. Despite undergoing numerous tests, we couldn’t identify the cause of these losses. I felt utterly powerless, grappling with the reality of my limitations. Coming to terms with that control was a significant hurdle for me.
2. The Sadness and Guilt of Disappointing My Partner
Another unexpected feeling was the sadness and guilt stemming from what I perceived as disappointing my partner, Jordan. I was losing his babies too; they weren’t just mine to bear. The burden of not being able to protect them weighed heavily on my heart, even though I knew logically I wasn’t at fault.
Miscarriage often brings attention to the mother, and while it’s understandable — I was the one dealing with morning sickness and the physical toll — it’s crucial to remember that fathers also experience profound grief. Jordan faced his own sorrow while simultaneously supporting me through my pain. As my hopes faded, so did his, yet he remained my rock, encouraging me not to lose faith. Reflecting on this now, it reminds me of how hardship can deepen the bond you share with your partner.
3. The Inability to Celebrate Others’ Joyful Moments
Perhaps the most shameful feeling I grappled with was my inability to celebrate others’ joyful moments. It stings to admit this, but I share it in hopes of fostering understanding. I was envious when friends announced healthy pregnancies. I know how selfish that sounds, but suffering can sometimes reveal a less-than-pretty side of ourselves.
At one point, I even took a break from social media to avoid seeing yet another ultrasound announcement. The jealousy crept in when friends had children close in age, and I found myself in tears when a newlywed couple announced their pregnancy. I constantly reminded myself that life isn’t a competition and that someone else’s joy doesn’t diminish my worth. It wasn’t that I wished ill on others; I just felt broken and alone in my struggles.
I share these reflections to highlight that beyond immediate grief, there are many layers to process that may catch you off guard. Embrace these feelings. Allow yourself the space to work through them, or simply let them exist for a while. While you may never completely “get over” your loss, the sharp edges will soften over time. Every experience is unique, and there’s value in being open about your journey. Extend grace to yourself when unexpected emotions arise and offer understanding to others when their pain seems incomprehensible.
If you’d like to learn more about navigating these complex emotions, check out some of our insights on pregnancy loss at Intracervical Insemination. For those interested in the practical aspects of conception, Cryobaby at Home Insemination Kit serves as a great resource. Additionally, the Genetics and IVF Institute offers excellent information on fertility and related topics.
Summary
Pregnancy loss can lead to unexpected layers of grief that extend beyond the loss of life itself. From feelings of betrayal by one’s own body to the guilt of disappointing a partner, these emotions can complicate the healing journey. It’s essential to embrace and process these feelings, allowing oneself to grieve fully. Sharing experiences can foster understanding and connection, helping others navigate similar paths.