I find myself at the outdoor play area of a fast-food restaurant—definitely not a place I would have taken my first child. The greasy food! The germs! The rampant consumerism! The GMOs!
Yet, after a decade of parenting and nearly four decades of life experience, I’ve come to see that having an overly idealistic view about what I expose my children to is just plain absurd. It only leads to stress and unreasonable expectations.
While there are aspects of being an “older mom” that I don’t love, one significant advantage is the freedom from striving for perfection, a realization I’ve fully embraced.
So here I am, at the fast-food joint, allowing my 3-year-old to sip on what is likely a chocolate milk concoction filled with who-knows-what hormones. But hey, he’s entertained, and the free Wi-Fi here makes me a pretty happy camper (nice work, McDonald’s).
As my son plays with a pair of twins who seem a tad younger, they take turns on the slide, which mostly involves them kicking each other in the rear as they scramble for their turn. It’s adorable, and I’m just grateful for a moment of peace.
The twins’ mom strikes up a conversation. She asks about my son’s age, whether he’s in school, and then—after a brief chit-chat—she gets straight to the point.
“Is he potty trained yet?”
Isn’t it amusing how quickly adults jump into discussions about toddlers’ bathroom habits?
“Sort of,” I reply. “He still wears pull-ups for naps and nighttime, and when I’m feeling lazy about public restrooms, like on road trips.”
“Really? Oh my gosh, you have no idea how much better that makes me feel! My twins just turned 3, and they’ve been impossible to train.”
We continue talking about potty training and developmental milestones. I share my own potty training horror story from when I tackled it with my first child—it was a messy, drawn-out process.
Another bonus of being an older mom: I can now laugh about even the most chaotic parenting experiences.
I can’t help but feel for this mom; she’s clearly putting immense pressure on herself to nail potty training and likely other aspects of parenting, too. After all, it’s her first go at it with young kids (and, bless her, she’s got two!). I can sense her desire for everything to be perfect.
I was once in her shoes. My first child was my universe. I catered to his every need, hovering, perfecting, trying to make each day memorable. I even scoured Pinterest for DIY projects. We co-wrote a book when he was just 2!
But while there was nothing wrong with my intentions, the problem lay in my expectations. I desperately wanted him to have a flawless childhood, filled with sunshine and smiles—a picture-perfect existence.
But that’s not how life works because kids are, well, kids. They’re messy, they tantrum, they whine, and they can be downright exhausting. Some days, my attempts at a perfect experience would sort of work. But more often, chaos ensued, and I would end my day feeling like a total failure.
It took me a long time—like, a really long time—to realize that there was nothing inherently wrong with either of us; it was all about my unrealistic expectations. I found true happiness in parenting once I recognized that the pursuit of perfection is a myth—an absolute farce.
What our kids truly want is our best effort, which is all we can offer. They crave a chaotic childhood, filled with spontaneous adventures and unplanned moments. They want to reach milestones on their own timeline—whether that’s getting out of the house on time or mastering toilet training.
Why do we take so long to grasp this?
I wanted to take this mom by the hand and give her a reassuring squeeze. Maybe even splash a cup of iced water on her to wake her up to the reality of parenting.
In all seriousness, us seasoned parents may come off as a bit blunt or carefree, and that can be frustrating or even offensive to new parents who are striving for perfection. We genuinely want to ease your stress and show you that it’s okay when things don’t go as planned.
Parenting doesn’t necessarily get easier—it just changes. Older kids can be just as hair-pulling as toddlers, and while they might sleep through the night, they’ll still keep you up with worry. But what does get easier is shedding that heavy burden of perfection.
You start to think things like, “If I survived five years of fragmented sleep, I can surely help my child with common core math (or at least fake my way through it).” And, “If he can conquer potty training, he’ll eventually get into college.” As for how we’ll afford that, well, that’s a mystery for another day. Just because we’ve ditched the perfection mindset doesn’t mean we’ve cracked the code on financing higher education—that’s some serious wizardry!
In summary, older moms have learned to let go of the need for perfection in parenting. We understand that kids thrive in chaos and spontaneity, and we want to share that wisdom with new parents. Letting go of unrealistic expectations can lead to a more fulfilling and joyful parenting experience, even if it doesn’t always feel easy.