22 Excuses My Kids Give Me for Not Eating

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In our home, if you’re under 4 feet tall, your food choices boil down to four criteria:

1. It must be candy.
2. It must be a quesadilla without the tortilla — just cheese, please.
3. It has to be labeled as food for a specific animal, after selecting your spirit animal of the day.
4. Someone else has to be consuming it.

Naturally, this doesn’t apply to our cats. Sure, they meet the height requirement, but they have no taste for candy or cheese; they’re living their best lives as their own spirit animals.

Every mealtime in our house is a vibrant spectacle, especially since the kids arrived. I’d say a good dozen times a week, we face tiny protestors brandishing finger-painted signs, demanding more sweets and fewer vegetables. Even when they choose something, they often change their minds: “I want Cocoa Puffs for breakfast, but I won’t eat them because I had a dream that milk tasted funny.”

So, why the fuss about eating their nine grapes and grilled cheese? Because they’re kids, and kids are experts at making excuses. Here are 22 reasons my little ones dodge their meals:

1. I need to save it for later.
   This usually means, “Later, I’ll want something totally different, like popcorn.” If I save the meal for later, it often gets eaten so they can have a real snack.
2. I don’t like food.
   (While reaching for a bag of sour gummy worms)
3. I just want milk.
   This strategy involves guzzling enough milk to feel full, like they’re the size of a cow (or almond, whatever).
4. My breakfast is gross.
   When cereal sits too long, it morphs into a mushy mess. Lesson learned: Eat cereal while it’s still crunchy.
5. My dinner is gross.
   Anything not a sour gummy worm is “gross.” And when you drown broccoli in ketchup, it loses its appeal.
6. I don’t like carrots anymore.
   Toddlers can opt out of veggies whenever they please. A backup plan? Blend those greens into fruit smoothies!
7. I’m not hungry.
   Remarkably, toddlers can survive on a single seedless grape for days while still bouncing off the walls.
8. I don’t care if I eat.
   They truly don’t. They also don’t care about wearing clothes or not pooping on the couch.
9. I only like the mac and cheese with straight noodles, not the fat bendy ones.
   Because obviously, fat bendy noodles taste like potting soil.
10. I just want to play outside.
    Where the only food threat is grass. If their spirit animal is a dog or rabbit, I understand this one.
11. I’m busy.
    You’re four.
12. No, thanks.
    The worst excuse, really. It’s not an excuse at all; it’s just a flat-out statement.
13. I just want peanut butter.
    A protein win! Don’t argue with that.
14. The bread is too white.
    And the wheat is too brown, and the hot dog bun is made of hot dogs. Kids are picky about everything.
15. I don’t like this.
    “This” refers to whatever is on their plate. Unless it’s sour gummy worms or grass.
16. I’m just eating yogurt from now on.
    Yogurt is fine, but mixing in M&M’s? Nope!
17. Peas are super bad for you.
    The only danger is if you’re the one cleaning up after them!
18. My toast is too crunchy.
    If your toaster burns everything, this can get tricky. Regular bread is less risky than toasted.
19. This isn’t chicken. It’s not dinosaur-shaped.
    Perfect time for a science lesson about how chicken is a tiny version of a pterodactyl.
20. My fruit is touching my sandwich.
    Instead of scolding, I just remove the offending fruit.
21. You don’t have green beans on your plate.
    “That’s because Mommy’s going to grow wider, not taller!” When you’re old enough to do laundry, you can skip them too.
22. My cereal is cold.
    Rarely an issue since it usually sits long enough to start turning into cheese. But when it does, they act like it’s an ice cube!

Honestly, I love both eating and napping, and I wouldn’t mind a few hundred timeouts for some peace and quiet. I have to hand it to my kids, though; their creativity in avoiding food is impressive. I used to just stare at my plate until bedtime. Their excuses are much more entertaining!

Ultimately, it would be simpler if they just ate their food. After all, we’ve kept our pantry pretty streamlined. No surprises in our grilled cheese sandwiches around here. Maybe, just maybe, if they eat one, they’ll earn some sour gummy worms later.

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Summary

In the whimsical world of parenting, kids have mastered the art of excuse-making when it comes to mealtime. From claiming they aren’t hungry to insisting their food isn’t dinosaur-shaped, these 22 creative justifications highlight the hilarity and challenges of getting little ones to eat. While it can be a struggle, their inventive reasoning provides a lighthearted view of childhood dining drama.