One evening, my dear friend Melissa arrived at my doorstep, her face etched with turmoil. With a heavy heart, she revealed that she was having an affair on her husband of two decades. They shared a son, but her long-standing dissatisfaction with her marriage left her feeling lifeless. In her desperate state, she turned to me for support, completely lost and in agony, unsure of which direction to take.
By “support,” I mean she sought a listening ear, free from judgment. This affair was tearing her apart, yet she found it hard to let go. She was falling for another man while still married, caught in a whirlwind of thoughts about whether to leave her husband, stay, or take a break from both men to rediscover herself.
Melissa has known me for years, and she was aware that I’ve never cheated or had an affair myself. I’ve always been a one-person-at-a-time kind of gal; my heart simply isn’t wired for anything else. Despite knowing I couldn’t relate to her situation, she still confided in me.
While I personally don’t endorse affairs—because let’s be real, it’s a pretty lousy thing to do to someone else—she didn’t need me to echo that sentiment. Just looking at her, it was clear she was already her own worst critic.
Affairs are more common than we might like to admit. Sure, it would be easier if everyone communicated openly with their partners before venturing into new relationships, but that’s not typically how life unfolds. Getting swept up in the moment is a real risk, and letting go of the familiar is an enormous hurdle for anyone.
However, I also firmly believe in not meddling in someone else’s marriage. When Melissa opened up about her affair, my role was simply to listen. She entrusted me with her secret, but that didn’t mean she was fishing for advice or seeking to be scolded.
I believe in being a supportive friend without voicing judgment (out loud, anyway; it’s hard not to have strong feelings about such matters). People may rationalize their affairs in myriad ways, or they might indulge simply out of boredom. Those feelings are valid; after all, it’s their life, not mine. Since I haven’t walked in her shoes, I have no right to dictate her choices. Only the individuals within a marriage truly understand its dynamics.
When a friend confides in me, I assume they’re looking for companionship. Unless they explicitly ask for guidance, I refrain from giving unsolicited advice. Even if they do ask, I hesitate to impose my views because most people tend to follow their own instincts anyway.
If someone is determined to change their circumstances, they’ll do so regardless of my opinions. I’ve never encountered anyone who said, “My friend advised me to cease this affair, so I will.” Ultimately, individuals must take charge of their own decisions. They aren’t engaged in the affair for my sake, so why would they end it simply because I disagree with their choices?
People’s lives are theirs to navigate, and attempting to unravel the complexities of infidelity seems like a fruitless endeavor. Instead, I prefer to conserve my energy for my own relationships rather than getting entangled in someone else’s drama.
Conclusion
In conclusion, sometimes friends need a sounding board more than they need a critic. When trust is placed in us, our role is often just to be there, supporting them through their struggles, without judgment or interference.
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