His hazel eyes shot back at me with defiance, his tiny arms crossed over his favorite superhero t-shirt. “But he started it!” he sobbed, tears welling up as he realized he’d been caught smacking another kid on the playground. “I wanted that swing, and it was my turn!” my son grumbled, stomping his little foot for dramatic effect. As I guided him over to apologize, he stubbornly refused to acknowledge his rudeness. “You have a choice here, buddy,” I said, attempting to instill some wisdom. With a half-hearted eye roll, he mumbled a weak apology and then turned to wistfully gaze back at the swings, our playtime cut short due to his misbehavior.
As we drove home, he lamented the unfairness of his 4-year-old life. I reminded him that life is filled with choices every single day. “Every action has a consequence,” I told him—a mantra that’s echoed through our house countless times since. My partner and I have dedicated years to teaching our kids about the results of their actions, understanding that one day they’d need to navigate these waters on their own. Now that my kids are teenagers, I’m learning to take a step back and let them build on the solid foundation we’ve laid together. By allowing them to make their own choices, I hope they can learn from their mistakes while we’re still around to guide them.
1. Their Friends
Letting my kids choose their friends can be a challenge. As a parent with a few more gray hairs, I recognize that I’ve had my share of questionable friendships during my youth. Those experiences shaped my understanding of healthy relationships. By stepping back, I’m allowing my kids to develop their own friendship radar. Of course, if my partner and I see them mingling with a dangerous crowd or getting involved in toxic relationships, we’ll intervene. But for now, we’re adopting a hands-off approach to their social circles.
2. Whether They Fail a Class
My partner often says, “Your grades are for you, not for us,” and this perspective has worked wonders for our kids. Encouraging them to pursue academic success for personal satisfaction rather than for our approval has resulted in them taking ownership of their studies. Naturally, we want them to excel, but enforcing good grades is not the key to true achievement. When my son doesn’t do well on a test, we discuss the choices he made that led to his unsatisfactory grade. By reflecting on his decision to prioritize video games over studying, he’s learning that every action affects his academic performance.
3. How They Spend Their Money
From a young age, we opened up a conversation about finances, starting with giving them an allowance. While they’ve learned important lessons about saving, the real education came from spending. Buyer’s remorse can sting when you’re 13 and on a tight budget! By granting them financial independence, they are learning to be responsible adults. Even though it’s painful to watch them spend their hard-earned cash on the latest iTunes hit, I know that letting them make these choices is ultimately beneficial for their wallets in the long run.
4. How They Spend Their Time After School
I’m on board with my kids opting for a minimal schedule after school. Neither of them is keen on juggling multiple sports or cramming their afternoons with activities. We’ve encouraged them to choose one or two pursuits that truly excite them, and I fully support their need to unwind after a long day at school. By allowing them downtime, I’m helping them learn how to manage their time effectively. We’re not a family that spends every weekend on sports fields because my teens have chosen to embrace a “less is more” philosophy.
Allowing teens to make their own choices can be intimidating. However, easing up on the reins now will help them develop strong decision-making skills for the future. Today’s teens face tough dilemmas involving relationships, substances, and social media, and while it’s tough to watch them stumble, providing them with the tools to weigh their options and understand consequences will serve them well into adulthood. As I observe my teens navigate their choices, I’ve promised not to say “I told you so” if they mess up—though I’d be lying if I said those words wouldn’t slip out under my breath occasionally. For more insights on parenting and choices, check out this post on home insemination and learn how to navigate life’s decisions with confidence.
Summary
Letting teens make their own choices is a vital part of parenting. By allowing them to choose friends, manage their academic success, spend money, and allocate their time, parents can foster independence and responsibility. While it may feel risky, guiding them through their decisions prepares them for the complexities of adulthood.