Why I’m Choosing Not to Shield My Kids From Failure

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(Just a quick image for your imagination: our oldest kid, after we took away his superhero cape for hurling a toy at his dad. #ohboythedrama)

“If our children never stumble, they’ll never learn to rise again.”

Those words echoed as I stood next to my friend at the park on an ordinary Tuesday. She was filling me in on her son’s potty-training escapades and the latest twists in preschool carpool chaos.

As she talked, we both noticed a frazzled mom sprinting after her 5-year-old through the playground — climbing stairs, hovering under slides, and darting through the jungle gym. She was right behind him, ensuring he didn’t take a tumble — and let’s be real, this was a 5-year-old who could walk and talk just fine.

Parenting styles vary widely, and I’m sure this mom was doing what felt right to her. But I firmly believe there’s merit in allowing our kids to experience failure. If we prevent our kids from falling, they miss out on learning how to get back up — whether it’s on a playground or in life.

In my experience, when we truly confront failure, we figure things out. Yes, you heard me right — we figure it out! More often than not, we discover better approaches. Along the way, we cultivate humility, grow, and develop compassion. But without that initial stumble, this essential growth process never gets the chance to unfold.

Over the past five years of parenting, I’ve realized that allowing my kids to face setbacks is one of my most valuable parenting tools. So, I let them fall — within reason, of course. I let them experience minor hurts. And occasionally (this might surprise you), I even let them feel left out.

Recently, while babysitting a group of six kids, my oldest son began acting rudely toward the others. I attempted to intervene — verbally correcting him, sending him to timeouts, and even separating him from the group. Nothing seemed to work. Finally, one of the other kids said, “We don’t want to play with you anymore,” and the rest chimed in.

My son tried to rejoin them, moving to the other side of the circle to seek acceptance. He pleaded and even offered a toy from his room. But it was too late.

“We don’t want to play with you because you were being mean,” they told him.

Watching this unfold, my first reaction was to urge the other kids to include him. But then I realized that I would be depriving my son of a crucial lesson: understanding the natural consequences of his behavior.

When he came running to me, tears streaming down his face, I embraced him and gently said, “If you’re rude, others won’t want to play with you. Let’s try being kind and see if they’ll include you again.”

It was straightforward. The sting of exclusion proved far more effective than any timeout or verbal correction I could offer. The lesson was learned without my interference.

I vividly recall a day in high school when my mom forgot to pick me up. Being the oldest of four, it’s understandable that she had a full plate. After an hour of waiting at school, I marched home, furious. When I confronted her, I was certain she’d take me to school the next day, especially since I had midterms approaching. But she didn’t.

That day, I walked to school and missed my tests. My mom didn’t save me from that failure; she let me endure it, learn from it, and grow. As a parent now, I’ve come to appreciate that I want my kids to encounter failure because it’s through failure that we learn and develop responsibility and compassion.

Falling down makes us stronger. Rescuing my kids from failure isn’t my job; my role is to support them through life’s disappointments and equip them with the tools to navigate challenges on their own.

So, the next time you’re tempted to shield your child from a scraped knee, a bruised ego, or a missed bus, remember that you might be robbing them of invaluable life lessons. Natural consequences can provide the best education, revealing that they are ultimately in charge of their choices.

Raise your child in the right way, and when they stumble, enjoy the front-row seat as they learn and grow.

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Summary:

In this piece, Clara Benson discusses the importance of allowing children to experience failure as a crucial part of their growth and learning process. She shares personal anecdotes to illustrate how facing natural consequences can lead to valuable lessons in humility, compassion, and personal responsibility. Rather than rescuing her kids from setbacks, she opts to support them through disappointments, enabling them to figure things out on their own.