Why I Sometimes Say No When My Daughters Ask for Help

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While enjoying a rare moment of peace during vacation, I found myself lost in a captivating book. Suddenly, one of my daughters strolled in to use the en-suite bathroom. Wanting to savor my tranquil moment, I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep. Yes, I play dead with my kids to cling to my precious downtime.

After a few minutes of silence, I heard her jiggling the doorknob, clearly having trouble getting out. Rather than rushing to her aid, I decided to wait and see if she could solve the problem on her own. After about five minutes, she finally figured it out and emerged unscathed.

Some might label my approach as harsh. My sister was appalled that I didn’t intervene sooner. Why didn’t I just get up and open the door for her? Well, there was a subtle lesson in that bathroom escapade. By allowing her to resolve the situation independently, I hope to cultivate strong, capable women rather than helpless damsels.

I firmly believe in giving my daughters the chance to tackle challenges on their own before stepping in. My time to shape their character is limited, and I want them to learn resilience and self-reliance. I often hear them say “I can’t” or “Help me” without even trying, and that drives me up the wall. When they sit in the car with their big puppy-dog eyes, begging me to open the door, I won’t budge until they realize they can do it themselves. Or when they whine about a tangled shoelace without even attempting to untie it, I simply remind them to try first and walk away.

Most of the time, they find the solutions on their own, and when they do, the smiles on their faces and the pride in their voices remind me that I’m on the right path. I want them to understand that they are capable of much more than they initially believe.

I don’t want my daughters to grow up reliant on others to function. They should feel complete within themselves and find partners who complement their strengths. Sure, I have my husband handle the watermelon since I tend to turn the kitchen into a fruit massacre, but I want them to know they don’t need someone to do everything for them. It’s wonderful to have someone who can help in areas where they may struggle, but I want them to be self-sufficient too.

I want them to tackle life’s challenges head-on instead of waiting for someone to tell them what to do. When obstacles arise, I encourage them to research, ask questions, and take charge. Life isn’t always a solo mission, yet I want them to be motivated and not wait for someone to serve everything on a silver platter.

I need them to think critically and find solutions when they’re in a tight spot. Life has its ups and downs, and I don’t want them to be so accustomed to us swooping in to rescue them that they crumble when faced with real challenges. I can’t always be their safety net. Instead, I want them to experience setbacks early on so they can learn to bounce back like the fierce warriors they are.

I hope that even the small experiences—like being stuck in a bathroom or untangling shoelaces—instill a deep-seated sense of strength, intelligence, and independence in them. These small victories are stepping stones to tackling the bigger hurdles life will throw their way. I don’t want them waiting for a Prince Charming to swoop in and fix everything.

When they genuinely need me, I’ll be there to offer support after they’ve given it their best shot. I’ll provide guidance when I see them straying off course. But I sleep well at night knowing that when I refuse to assist with things they can handle, I’m equipping them for a future where they can stand on their own two feet, little by little.