Your Child Is Likely Better Behaved Than You Think

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I found myself at a colleague’s home the other day. His name was Rob, a guy I’d known for a couple of years. Rob was about 15 years my senior, and while his oldest child was already in high school, my eldest was still 9. Our friendship often revolved around venting about our kids—how they seem to prefer video games over everything else and how they moan about not being able to play more. Rob frequently offered me tips on how to handle my son in ways he wished he had approached parenting when his boy was younger.

The backyard was filled with several of our co-workers, enjoying a casual work gathering. Throughout the event, I couldn’t help but notice Rob’s son, a lanky 15-year-old with dark hair and glasses. He made awkward jokes in an attempt to fit in, dropping lines like, “When I was a kid…” which always prompted eye rolls from the adults. However, what struck me was his kindness and good behavior. He went out of his way to assist with my three little ones, showing my son some games on the TV, introducing my middle daughter to their dog, and keeping my rambunctious 2-year-old out of the garden.

About an hour into the festivities, I leaned over to Rob and said, “Your kid is way better than you’ve led me to believe.” I chuckled, and he responded, “Yeah, you’re right. He’s a good kid.” A sense of pride washed over him, possibly fueled by a little wine, as if it took an outsider’s acknowledgment for him to see the good in his son.

As Rob and I chatted about his son’s positive traits instead of focusing on the usual complaints, I couldn’t help but reflect on my own children. I often find myself venting about my eldest, Tristan. I complain about how hard it is to get him up in the mornings, how he’ll only eat mac and cheese, and how I have to practically wrestle him away from the iPad to engage in something productive.

But when I take a step back, I realize he’s actually a pretty great kid. He doesn’t use foul language, may argue about homework but always completes it, enjoys reading and playing soccer, and has never gotten into trouble at school. He maintains good grades, surrounds himself with positive friends, and is respectful to others. Most of the issues I face with him stem from typical childhood challenges rather than behavioral problems.

Herein lies the dilemma of parenting: I spend so much time with Tristan, and it’s easy to fall into the trap of being overly critical. I want him to grow into a successful adult, with strong values and a sense of responsibility. Yet, in my quest for perfection, I often overlook the many wonderful traits he possesses. He’s a decent kid, and I need to remind myself of that more often.

As I prepared to leave Rob’s house, I watched his son picking up the toys my kids had scattered. Meanwhile, Tristan lounged on the sofa, legs crossed and eyes downcast, hoping I wouldn’t ask him to help. I turned to the young man and said, “I told Rob you’re not nearly as bad as he makes you out to be. He agrees. Just don’t let it go to your head.” He chuckled, blushing slightly. I then turned to Tristan and said, “Are you going to pitch in?” After a dramatic eye roll, he slid off the couch and started cleaning. As he helped put toys away, I said, “You know, Tristan, you’re a pretty good kid too. I should recognize that more often.” His face lit up, and we shared a high-five.

In that moment, it hit me: I need to express simple praise more often. A little encouragement goes a long way. I suspect many parents could benefit from this mindset shift. Kids need to hear about their positive attributes, especially as they navigate the tricky waters of growing up.

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In summary, it’s crucial to recognize and celebrate the good behaviors in our children. While it’s natural to vent about the challenges of parenting, we must also take a step back and appreciate the many ways our kids shine. A little acknowledgment can foster a positive environment for them to thrive.