The Kids Are Roughhousing Again, And I Couldn’t Care Less

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I hear a soft crash followed by a thunk, then bursts of laughter. Another muffled crash happens, and it sounds like little bodies are tumbling around. “Quit sitting on me! Stop sitting on me!” shrieks the 6-year-old, while the 4-year-old cackles in delight. There’s another thunk.

The kids are at it again, and honestly, I’m totally fine with it.

I have three boys. My partner is the quintessential roughhousing dad—he’s the type who swings the kids upside down and encourages them to form an “alligator stack” on his back, with each one layered according to age. He tickles, tackles, and engages in this thing they call “sloth,” where they cling to his arm like little monkeys as he spins them around.

I may not partake in those activities, but I’m always showering them with hugs and affection. There’s constantly one child wriggling into my lap, and I often carry the nearly 3-year-old baby of the crew. They compete for space next to me on the couch, and even my 6-year-old holds my hand during mundane outings like shopping in Target or walking down the street. All in all, we’re a pretty tactile family.

Thanks to my partner’s playful roughhousing, it’s only natural for the kids to play rough with one another. A game of burrowing under blankets quickly escalates into playful punches. They climb on each other, roll on the floor, and push one another around. At night, they even snuggle up together like a pile of kittens. Occasionally, one of them lets out a yowl, and they stop immediately. They know to steer clear of faces and private areas. They’re quite aware of each other’s limits.

So I let them play rough. I believe it’s beneficial for them.

Research supports this notion. Touch triggers the release of oxytocin, which is crucial for social interactions. According to Psych Central, oxytocin fosters trust, alleviates fear, and enhances empathy. It also aids in reducing stress and anxiety. In their book, The Art of Roughhousing and Why Kids Need It, authors Timothy J. Bennett and Laura A. Smith argue compellingly about the benefits of kids engaging in rough play. They assert that it boosts intelligence, heightens emotional awareness, and cultivates ethical behavior—all excellent reasons to allow kids to wrestle.

My boys instinctively know which friends they can engage in roughhousing with, just as they understand when to keep their hands to themselves. Some kids simply aren’t into rough play, and they adjust accordingly. There’s one family we know whose children have likely never touched each other, and my boys are aware of that dynamic. They won’t engage in rough play with those kids. Conversely, my eldest has a friend who is just as enthusiastic about wrestling as he is. One time, the friend’s mom freaked out, mistaking normal roughhousing for an attempt to drown my son. Nope, just standard wrestling—with life jackets on and heads safely above water.

This approach to parenting isn’t exactly typical these days. With the rise of helicopter parenting, people have become overly cautious about the potential for injuries. So, when two kids are rolling around on the floor kicking each other, it can look perilous. Parents often blame roughhousing for injuries, believing that if two kids are wrestling, the parents are responsible. This leads to roughhousing being viewed as the domain of “bad” kids and “bad” parents. Instead of letting their kids tumble, many parents teach them to “keep your hands to yourself.”

That’s why I get some disapproving glances at the playground when my kids start tackling each other or engaging in stick battles. What those judgmental onlookers don’t realize is that I don’t allow my kids to wrestle out of anger. They are not permitted to fight over a bucket in the sandbox or hit one another out of frustration. When that happens, I step in. That’s not the kind of wrestling we promote; it’s fighting.

So, as long as both kids are consenting, I’ll let the helicopter parents fume. My kids will wrestle, roughhouse, and generally have a blast as much as they like. And I won’t be putting a stop to it.

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In summary, allowing kids to roughhouse can be beneficial for their development. It fosters social skills, emotional intelligence, and trust among peers. As long as the play remains consensual and safe, there’s no harm in letting them engage in a little fun.