Recently, I’ve been chatting with a therapist about my anxiety, and let’s just say, she’s been throwing some curveballs my way. One of her big points? Most of my values seem to stem from what I’m trying to avoid rather than what I aspire to be.
Take work, for example. When she asked what I want from my job, I said, “To not get fired.” When she inquired about my spiritual goals, I replied, “To not end up in the fiery pits of doom.” And when it came to parenting and being a husband, I simply said, “To not be my dad.”
My father wasn’t exactly a shining example. He bounced out on my mom when I was just nine, leaving her with all the heavy lifting. His life spiraled downwards, filled with addictions and a revolving door of marriages. I was the one shelling out pizza money to get him out of jail at times. It felt like he was establishing families like franchises—always on to the next.
The divorce between my parents was messy. It tossed me around from one home to another, forcing me to pick sides when all I wanted was some peace. I refuse to put my kids through the drama of new moms and siblings popping up every few years. And the last thing I want is for them to have to scrape together bail money for me.
My therapist pointed out that whenever she hears those “not statements,” it usually signals anxiety. It means I’m running away from something rather than moving toward something positive. And let me tell you, that’s a tough realization when you come from a broken home. It’s motivating, though—I’ve spent my 20s and a chunk of my 30s working hard to ensure I don’t turn into my father.
He drank, so I don’t. He skipped college, so I made sure to hit the books. He left wives behind, so I’m determined to stick with mine through thick and thin. Not that it’s been a Herculean effort, but I made it clear that divorce is off the table. I’m committed to weathering the storms because walking out was my father’s way of handling conflict.
But this whole reflection on values left me pondering a big question: Is simply avoiding my father’s mistakes enough to make me a good dad? Or even a great one? Anyone who grew up in a broken home should really ask themselves this. It’s intimidating to declare that you aim to be better than your parents when their dedication was non-existent. The bar is pretty low, after all.
This focus on values has pushed me to look forward instead of backward. Every parent reaches a point where they must stop measuring their progress against poor examples and start defining the kind of parent they want to be. Breaking the cycle means establishing clear values. What do I want my kids to experience from me as their dad?
After pondering these questions, I’ve landed on a few key principles. First and foremost, I want my children to know I love them unequivocally. I want them to feel safe and secure with me. And I want them to recognize what a good father truly is.
I want them to see me treat their mother with love and respect. I want them to witness that in a healthy marriage, love is an action. They should watch me take her out on dates, surprise her with flowers, and navigate compromises together. I want them to see me frustrated, take a breath, and try again. I want them to observe my daily grind at work because sometimes, love is just about putting in the effort. And I want them to hear me express gratitude and pray for their well-being at the dinner table.
It took me until my 30s to shift my focus from who I don’t want to be as a father to who I want to become. I genuinely believe that teaching my kids to aim toward their aspirations, rather than just avoiding pitfalls, is a significant step up for them. At least, that’s what I hope. Because let’s be real, I can’t force my kids to be good parents or make them care about their education or relationships. What I can do, however, is set a stellar example. By demonstrating what a good dad looks like, I’m giving them far more than my father ever offered me.
In conclusion, navigating parenthood means embracing what you value and modeling it for your kids. For more on values and parenting, check out this other blog post about setting a positive example for your children. And if you’re interested in fertility options, you can learn more about helpful resources at Make a Mom.