After our third child, Laura began to notice dark spots on her face, leading her to pick up a makeup brush for the first time. I found myself in a bit of a debate with her about it. “You don’t need that stuff. You’ve always been beautiful without it,” I insisted, as she dabbed foundation onto her chin while I stood in our bedroom.
We had been married for over a decade, and honestly, her decision to start wearing makeup surprised me far more than when I first discovered she didn’t wear it at all. By then, we’d welcomed three kids into the world, moved across states, and embraced our early 30s together.
I distinctly remember the first time I saw Laura with makeup—on our wedding day. A touch of blush and a hint of eyeliner was all she wore, and honestly, it was her radiant smile that stole the show. She had this mischievous grin that lit up her face, and her hair was simply styled in a braid. There was an ease about her, a charm in the way she carried herself, and it was hard not to fall in love with her confidence and warmth. My affection for her had absolutely nothing to do with makeup.
Emerging from the bathroom, Laura shot me a sideways smile, her hand on her hip, a small mirror cradled in her palm. “This isn’t about how you see me,” she replied. “I know you think I’m beautiful.” Her expression seemed to convey a deeper truth that I wasn’t fully grasping.
She took a moment, clearly searching for the right words. “But others don’t see me like you do. These blemishes make me feel less beautiful. I don’t want anyone to notice them.” We went back and forth for a bit—me insisting she was beautiful just as she was, and her explaining how those spots affected her self-esteem. I described her sweet smile and vibrant personality, while she used words like “old” and “ugly.” “If they can’t see it, it’s their problem,” I said.
“No,” she countered, “it’s my problem.” I wasn’t sure whether she was frustrated or simply determined. Then she said something that really hit home: “Your opinion isn’t the only one that matters.” She said it gently, but it was laced with the reality of being a woman.
After that, she retreated back to the bathroom, and our conversation came to a close. That was two years ago, and since then, Laura has worn makeup daily. The crazy part? My view of her hasn’t changed. She still has that beautiful smile and the same delightful personality that won me over long ago. The only real difference was in how she started to see herself.
As I reflected on our conversation and her words about my perspective not being the only one, I realized she was absolutely right. Eleven years of marriage, kids, mortgages, and all, my opinion of her beauty wasn’t the be-all and end-all. Admitting that was tough for me; I like to think that the way I see her should be universal.
Let’s face it, beauty standards are mostly a social construct shaped by marketing, media, and societal expectations. I thought that if I loved Laura just the way she was, that should be enough for her. But I can’t ignore that she walks with a bit more confidence when she wears makeup. She feels better about herself in her role as a mom and a wife, and if that’s what it takes, then who am I to judge?
So one morning, nearly two years after our initial debate, I brought it up again while she was getting ready. I told her that she’s beautiful, makeup or not. Ultimately, I want her to feel beautiful. “I may not fully understand what feeling beautiful entails,” I admitted, “but I know it matters to you. If makeup is part of that, then I’m all in.”
Laura smiled, kissed me, and said simply, “Thank you.”
If you want more insights into topics like this, check out our other blog posts, including those on the significance of self-esteem in relationships and how to navigate beauty standards today, like this one on home insemination. For authoritative insights on fertility, Make A Mom has excellent resources, as does Medical News Today, a fantastic resource for pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary
The journey of understanding beauty within relationships can be complex. While we may think our opinions hold the most weight, it’s essential to recognize that everyone has their own perceptions and insecurities. Supporting our partners in feeling beautiful—however they choose to express that—is crucial for their self-esteem and our relationship.