Updated: Jan. 13, 2023
Originally Published: Jan. 13, 2023
Dear Eco-Friendly Driver,
I notice you as you glide silently in your compact little vehicle, a shining beacon of efficiency and environmental stewardship. I see you eyeing me as I park my colossal SUV at the coffee shop. You, with your reusable cup in hand, can’t help but wonder why I chose such a fuel-hungry monster. In an era of melting ice caps and dwindling resources, why would I opt for a vehicle that resembles a tiny school bus?
Do you think it’s about image? Maybe I drive this hefty SUV with tinted windows to give off the impression of a federal agent or a high-ranking official. Perhaps I relish the lofty view it provides, surveying the streets like royalty in her domain. Or maybe I just subscribe to the classic American mantra that bigger is better.
You’re convinced I’m indifferent to environmental issues. How could I be otherwise? You picture my car as a trash heap filled with Styrofoam cups, incandescent bulbs, and batteries destined for the landfill.
Well, I hate to break it to you, but you’re mistaken. I drive this beast because life threw me a curveball, and now I’m the proud parent of six kids. This massive SUV is practically the only vehicle available that can accommodate my entire family along with a couple of suitcases. I’m trapped.
This hulking machine is more of a burden than a blessing. It doesn’t fit in regular parking spaces, and I’ve already dinged three doors before my third cup of coffee today. The rearview camera and the incessant “you’re way too close” beeping feel like I’m piloting a spacecraft. I can’t handle the stress, so I turn them off, which leads to some awkward mishaps that my spouse would prefer to remain blissfully unaware of.
The interior is so vast that we once lost our dog. He had wedged himself behind the third row and fallen asleep, and it wasn’t until we returned to the park that we heard his snoring. We conduct regular experiments on food decay under the seats: carrots become mushy, while chicken nuggets maintain their uncanny freshness for weeks.
The children treat this rolling playground like a gymnastic arena, vaulting over the seats as if training for the Olympics. It’s only about every third trip that Jack manages to kick Lottie in the face, and we toss the 1,000 napkins we’ve stashed in the console to her to stop the bleeding.
The noise level in this mobile circus is outrageous. Yelling is the only way for someone in the back to communicate that they absolutely must go to the bathroom, even if they didn’t need to just ten minutes ago.
Ads for this gas guzzler tout that collapsing the seats is a breeze, allowing you to load anything from a washer to a dryer. In reality, I’ve only managed to do that twice, and it was as physically exhausting as giving birth to my 10-pound baby—minus the joy and bonding. Trust me.
And let’s not even discuss the costs of running this vehicle. If I spent even half of what I do on this car on my appearance, I’d be giving Sofía Vergara a run for her money.
This enormous SUV is a guilt machine, consuming gas like it’s going out of style and leaving a hefty environmental footprint that weighs on my conscience. I’m deeply passionate about protecting our planet; we conserve water, keep bees, recycle, and compost. At heart, I’m your fellow tree-hugger. And yet, here I am.
So save your judgment, my friend. Believe me, I’d rather be in your shoes. One day, when I’m no longer carting around half a dozen kids, I will be. But until then, you’ll find me in the parking lot, sifting through the third row for my reusable coffee cup.
With Love and Eco-Friendly Intentions,
A (Very) Reluctant SUV Driver
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