By: Mia Torres
I never experienced that magical, glowing pregnancy everyone raves about. The weight gain wasn’t confined to my belly, nausea clung to me like a bad habit, and my sole focus was on the finish line—getting that baby out!
Throughout my nine-month marathon of discomfort (and yes, I know pregnancy is often seen as a blessing, but that doesn’t mean I have to enjoy every moment of it), I was bombarded with all kinds of cliched advice. “Just wait until the baby arrives!” “Make sure to catch up on sleep now!” “You think this is tough? Just wait until you have a baby to care for.” I tried to brush it off, recognizing they were well-meaning friends and family, while I silently counted the days until I could hold my baby.
When delivery day finally came, it was a whirlwind of chaos. My son was rushed to NICU and I couldn’t see him for 24 hours due to a high fever. All I could think about was his health. Thankfully, after that anxious day, he was healthy—complete with 10 tiny toes, 10 kissable fingers, and a full head of hair. I thought I was in the clear.
His first year was a celebration of milestones, marked by joyful dances and songs to show how much I cherished him. Then, things took a turn. The milestones slowed down, and soon, they stopped. Concerned, my husband and I turned to various doctors, who suggested we might be facing autism.
I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I was one of those parents who thought “not my kid.” I didn’t fully grasp what autism meant and assumed my son just had a few developmental delays. I thought autism was the new ADD, and that it was just a passing trend. What I failed to recognize at the time was the truth: he exhibited autistic behaviors, and it wasn’t the end of the world like I feared.
Completely clueless, I didn’t realize how many social faux pas I committed in conversations with other parents of children with special needs. The comments that annoyed me were things I had said before I became a special needs parent.
Now, after years of learning and growing, I’ve developed a thicker skin and a deeper understanding—thanks to my son, who has taught me patience in ways I never knew I needed. If you have a friend or family member who has a child with special needs, here are a few things you might want to steer clear of saying:
- “I’m so sorry.”
When someone passes away, sure, you express sorrow. But when you hear my son has autism, please don’t apologize. It’s not something to mourn. You might view it as a tragedy, but saying “I’m sorry” makes it sound like my son is doomed, and that couldn’t be further from the truth. Autism is more common than you think—1 in 68 children are on the spectrum! - “I don’t know how you do it.”
This one’s tricky. While it sounds like a compliment, the truth is, I don’t have a choice. When the little person you brought into this world depends on you, you gather your strength and embrace the challenge. This tiny being relies on me, so I’ve stepped up and wouldn’t want it any other way. - “You should get a second opinion.”
Cue the pillow scream. Thanks for your concern, but trust me, anyone navigating the journey of autism has likely seen multiple doctors. To get my son into school, we consulted a range of specialists. We’ve collected opinions like trading cards—he has autism, and that’s a fact. - “My cousin’s neighbor knows someone with autism. If you have questions, just ask!”
I feel guilty including this one, but unless you’ve personally walked this path, you can’t truly understand what it’s like. Autism isn’t a one-size-fits-all label; it’s a spectrum, and every child is unique. - “I know a chiropractor/holistic doctor who can fix him.”
He’s not broken; he’s my precious child. I love him as he is, and he’s taught me more in his five years than I’ve learned in three decades. We’re going to be just fine.
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To sum it all up, while it’s easy to offer well-meaning comments, it’s crucial to choose your words wisely. Empathy and understanding go a long way in supporting parents of special needs children.