Parenting
Stop Pressuring Me to Have More Kids
by Jamie Parker
Updated: Jan. 26, 2023
Originally Published: Jan. 26, 2023
I consider myself a pretty good rule-follower, especially when it comes to the important stuff. You told me to finish school, so I did—right up to a PhD. You encouraged marriage and family, and I jokingly asked you to say it louder so my partner would hear. But now you keep insisting I should have more kids, and it’s time for you to stop.
Let’s get real for a moment: you aren’t even family. My actual family has been perfectly respectful about our decision to be “one and done” parents. You’re just the friendly mom I met at the park, my hairdresser, an old classmate, or a complete stranger commenting on social media. And yes, it’s always women who seem to have the loudest opinions. So please, just stop.
Our wonderful daughter is now 3 years old, and we’re totally fulfilled with our family dynamic. I can’t predict whether she might wish for siblings someday—much like I can’t promise she won’t have a myriad of feelings about countless things in life. But I can tell you this: my friends who grew up without siblings turned out just fine, and they all agree that being constantly grilled about their “loneliness” was the most annoying part. Before I became a parent, their complaints seemed peculiar. Not anymore.
Because you never seem to let up. Whenever someone asks if I want more kids, I can feel my stomach drop, bracing myself for the inevitable lecture.
Trust me, I’ve heard it all before. Apparently, I’m a selfish, terrible mother who’s setting my daughter up for a life of misery and isolation. When my husband and I are gone, she’ll be left alone, trembling and clutching old photos of us. I get it. You found a deeper love with your second child, and you think I’ll change my mind once my daughter doesn’t “need” me as much. I’m creating a sad scenario, right?
Look, I get it—having siblings can be incredible. My younger sister is one of my favorite people in the world. I loved having a sibling so much that I never thought I’d only have one child. But more just doesn’t feel like the right choice for us.
As I mentioned, I’m a rule-follower. So when you—so many of you—tell me I’m hurting my child, it’s hard to ignore. So, at the end of last year, I gave it a shot.
I did all the right things. I consulted with my OB-GYN and primary care physician regarding the risks of pregnancy given my chronic health issues. Yes, some of us have medical complications that make pregnancy challenging, but it must be nice to be so far removed from those realities that you can dismiss them when talking to a stranger! Any future pregnancies would be high-risk, but both doctors gave me the green light to pursue having more kids. So, I started taking prenatal vitamins, and my husband and I got to work.
And then I fell into a deep depression. The kind that feels electric with anxiety, overwhelming and dreadful. I didn’t want to be pregnant. I didn’t want another child. It’s hard to be a good mom when you’re struggling emotionally. But I trusted you all. You were so confident.
Sure, there were possibilities of everything turning out wonderfully. But deep down, trying for a second child just didn’t feel right for me or my family. I took numerous pregnancy tests, dreading the results. When they finally said “not pregnant,” I felt relief for a fleeting moment before panic set in again. It was the complete opposite of how I felt trying to conceive the first time. After a month, my husband and I happily decided to stop trying. We’re grateful we did, because now we know how we truly feel. This is an incredibly joyful time in our lives, despite your constant meddling.
I know what you’re thinking, because it’s your go-to line: that this isn’t about me; it’s about what’s best for my daughter. But let me be clear: please, just shut it. Who are you to dictate what’s best for my child in a gray area? You think my happiness and stress don’t connect to her well-being? You don’t even know her!
Oh, and for the love of all that’s holy, stop telling me how sad only children are in front of my own child.
Now, to address your concerns: Will she be lonely growing up? Maybe. I experienced loneliness at times too, despite having a sibling. But she could also have friends and relationships that fill any gaps. There’s a spectrum of experiences between super-close siblings and a lonely only child. Will it be tough for her when my husband and I are gone? Of course! But I hope she builds her own family and friendships by then. She’ll have cousins, aunts, uncles, and possibly children of her own. Her life will be what she makes of it.
Your experiences are valid, and I hope they were wonderful, but they aren’t the only way to have a fulfilling life. I know people with siblings who are best friends and others who don’t speak at all.
And that last concern? Yes, only children can be quirky. But guess what? So can people with one sibling, two siblings—hell, even three! I’ve never met a truly “normal” person in my life.
So, please, take a step back and mind your own business. Or go have another child for me; I honestly don’t care. The size of your family is, believe it or not, your business and yours alone.
This article was originally published on Jan. 26, 2023.
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In summary, while everyone has their opinions on family size, it’s essential to respect individual choices. My decision not to have more children is based on what feels right for my family, and that’s all that matters.