Hey there, Fabulous Fifth-Grade Moms,
I’ve been meaning to reach out for a while now. You know, I’ve had quite a few burning questions floating around in my mind—like what apps you let your girls use, how you plan to approach the “birds and the bees,” your thoughts on homework and grades, and how we can shield our daughters from the myriad pressures they face in junior high, like the temptation to drink or experiment with drugs. But today, I want to tackle something that feels even more urgent: their friendships and how they treat one another.
We’re living in a challenging time for women—though to be honest, it’s been tough for a while. We thought we were making progress, but it seems the needle hasn’t moved as much as we hoped. We can rally, support causes like Planned Parenthood, mentor girls in need, and raise our voices on social media. And yes, we absolutely should! But we also need to start in our own homes, with our kids.
Our daughters are truly remarkable. They are sweet, spirited, and hilarious, and they’re doing their best to navigate the chaotic world we’ve handed them. They’re on a quest for their identity, their voices, and their self-worth. Yet, sometimes, they don’t always support each other.
This isn’t entirely their fault. It’s a reflection of what we’ve taught them—or, more accurately, what we haven’t. They’re lacking the tools to lift each other up. On the playground, one girl dares to engage with another, and suddenly, the remaining trio forms a club with a silly name, declaring she’s not welcome. They play power games, using phrases like, “If you don’t do this, I won’t let you…” It’s a pattern that replays itself in countless forms, day in and day out. One moment you’re in, the next, you’re out. It’s not outright bullying, but it’s subtle and hurtful.
This isn’t a new phenomenon. I remember feeling the same way back in the 1980s, searching for a place to fit in, especially during middle school. I had wonderful friends, but there were always those power dynamics at play—deciding to have a sleepover with one friend over another or whispering secrets with a different girl during recess.
I vividly recall a moment in sixth grade when my teacher, Ms. Thompson, took the initiative to mediate a conflict between me and my friends. We cried, giggled, and ultimately learned that we were stronger together. She was one of the few adults who noticed our struggles and guided us back to a place of unity and understanding.
As we navigate the complexities of life, we sometimes step on each other’s toes, and our daughters are doing the same. This cycle of exclusion has to break. We need to teach them that true strength comes from solidarity, not competition. We must instill in them the belief that being exclusive is a false sense of security. Instead, we should show them that we are healthier, happier, and undeniably stronger when we support each other.
I’ve been revisiting the classic book Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls by Dr. Mary Pipher. I first read it back in college, and I remember vowing to revisit it when I had a daughter. At this stage, our girls teeter on the edge of what Pipher describes as a “girl-poisoning culture.” She notes that girls often shrink themselves to fit into narrow spaces, losing their vibrant, confident selves along the way. They need each other, and us, now more than ever.
How can we expect them to be courageous and compassionate towards those who are different when they struggle to support each other? If we want to encourage our daughters to embrace diversity across ethnicities, religions, and lifestyles, we must first model kindness within their own groups.
I firmly believe the way forward is through conversation. We may not have all the answers, but we can start by acknowledging the issues and committing to tackle them together. Perhaps we could create a Facebook group to regularly discuss topics like kindness, insecurity, and the challenges of technology as they relate to our fifth-grade girls. Or we could organize a mother-daughter weekend seminar to foster open dialogue. We could even enlist the help of the school psychologist to educate them about the dangers of competition and judgment among girls, and how these harmful tendencies inhibit their growth and empowerment.
Does this sound overly dramatic? It’s not. While we may not have created this environment, we can certainly work to change it. And it starts with our daughters.
We need to remind them daily to be kind and courageous. To stand up against shaming and exclusion. To encourage their friends to express their true selves rather than fall into the trap of a hostile group mentality. It’s time to unite, fellow moms of tweens.
Imagine a scenario where one girl warns another, “You better join us this weekend; if you don’t, we might bond closer, and you’ll feel left out.” We could let them sort out their own conflicts, which has its merits, but what if we showed them a different approach?
I want a better future for my daughter, and I believe you do too. Let’s commit to doing the hard work together. Let’s start sharing strategies for fostering open conversations with our daughters and their friends about how to be loyal, supportive friends.
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In summary, let’s prioritize teaching our daughters the importance of kindness, solidarity, and empowerment in their friendships. Together, we can create a supportive environment that encourages them to thrive, not just survive.