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I Discovered a Lot About Myself When I Stopped Yelling at My Kids
I grew up in a household where shouting was the norm. It felt entirely typical to me until I became a parent myself. One day, after straining my voice from too much yelling, I began to question if this approach was actually harmful to both me and my kids.
Yelling isn’t just about frustration or barking orders; sometimes it’s simply about trying to be heard amidst the delightful chaos that comes with parenting. Regardless of the reason, once the yelling starts, it creates a painful cycle where kids shut down and parents swing between anger and guilt over resorting to shouting.
So, I decided to quit.
I assumed that stopping yelling would be a walk in the park, but it turned out to be as challenging as quitting smoking or swearing—difficult and filled with setbacks before I found my rhythm of success.
The turning point for me was understanding that my reasons for yelling were complex. Initially, I struggled to handle my kids, which is a tough pill to swallow as a parent. No amount of babysitting or being a camp counselor prepared me for the moment when my child would defy my instructions—pushing boundaries, which is completely natural but often leaves new parents feeling blindsided and raising their voices.
I also held onto the belief that I, as the parent, was always correct and deserved respect. While respect is indeed essential, I learned that it’s a two-way street. Confusing fear with respect only leaves me puzzled when my kids don’t listen.
When my children misbehave, it often stems from being tired, hungry, or unable to express their feelings. Their sassiness? Just their way of trying to claim some independence, even if it’s a bit chaotic. Instead of pausing to breathe and understand the situation, I would often yell, viewing it as a control issue rather than a teaching moment. Or sometimes, I was just too worn out to engage properly, which I think we can all relate to at times.
Approaching every moment as a chance to teach has revealed to me that yelling reflects my emotional state rather than my children’s behavior. If I just cleaned the house and my kids scatter toys everywhere, it’s less about their actions and more about my own feelings. I remind myself to stay calm, assess the situation, and decide whether I need to guide my little tornadoes or just embrace the mess—without yelling. It’s not always easy. In fact, it’s often quite tough since controlling that instinct is still a work in progress for me.
Removing yelling from my parenting toolkit has forced me to take a hard look at what drives my reactions as a person and a parent. I’m learning to recognize my control issues, fears, and the fact that sometimes—like my kids—I just need a snack or a nap. Identifying my emotions at the moment I feel the urge to shout is crucial for my success.
Yelling doesn’t make me a bad parent, but choosing to communicate differently has allowed me to explore what it means to build relationships with my kids founded on respect, trust, and compassion. I’m certainly not a perfect parent (far from it), but I’m striving to be the kind of parent my kids need right now. And it seems they need someone who yells less and listens more.
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