As I watched my youngest child drive away, car packed to the brim for college, a wave of sadness washed over me. It felt like I was left with an empty ache. I was unmoored.
“Well, I guess you’re not a mother anymore,” remarked the tall, usually charming person next to me.
In a moment of frustration, I brandished a butter knife, retorting, “Take that back!” I’ll admit, it was one of the low points in my 25 years of being a mom.
But as days turned into weeks and then months, I found myself becoming more rational and less emotional. My husband and I slowly adjusted to our quiet, empty nest, and I began to ponder the truth in that comment.
I had to confront the reality: I had questions about my new role as a mother of three. Sure, I was still their mom, but how involved should I be in their lives now? Should I still share my opinions and offer guidance? Was it still my duty to fill those Easter baskets and Christmas stockings? As I mulled over these questions, more popped into my head.
When does a child officially become an adult?
This is a tricky question, and like many parenting dilemmas, it’s subjective. At 16, a teen can legally travel alone. At 17, they can watch R-rated films. By 18, they can vote, register for the draft, and sign contracts. By 21, they can legally drink, smoke, and gamble. While most of the U.S. considers 18 the age of adulthood—linked to the voting age established during the Vietnam War—I believe that maturity is more complex.
It’s clear that becoming an adult is a gradual process that doesn’t end at 18. So when should a parent regard their child as an adult? I think it’s when they can fully support themselves, especially financially. Of course, the age will vary for each individual, but in general, self-sufficiency marks the end of childhood.
Now that my child has reached adulthood, what’s my role?
I’ve stumbled through this question plenty of times recently and may have finally found a reasonable answer: allow my adult children to define what my role should be. Maybe it’s a bit one-sided, but I believe it’s crucial for us parents to step back from decision-making in our adult children’s lives. Yes, they might make poor choices—just like we did. They may face financial hiccups, experience regrets, and make mistakes. But that’s what life is about, isn’t it? Thankfully, we learn from our missteps, and this learning leads to wisdom.
What if my adult child’s decisions clash with my morals, politics, or beliefs?
Ah, now we’re diving into murky waters. We’ve raised our children according to our values, but what happens if they veer off course? What if our son, whom we raised to be an open-minded thinker, suddenly aligns with a conservative group? Or if our daughter, raised with traditional values, adopts a radically different ideology?
Well, tough luck for us. It’s their life now, and it’s not our place to judge or criticize. Their choices are theirs alone. While we may not agree with all their decisions (and let’s be honest, we never will), we are still bound to love them unconditionally and ensure they feel that love.
What if they seek guidance or advice?
Absolutely, share your wisdom—but only when asked! If your daughter wants to chat three times a day, great! But if she only reaches out occasionally, cherish those moments. The more we shower our kids with love and support, the more likely they are to seek our company.
So, as you transition into this new phase of motherhood, put down that butter knife, embrace the change, and step into this fascinating chapter with open arms. Remember, mistakes and missteps are part of the journey to becoming a mature adult. It’s a beautiful sight to watch our grown children craft their own wonderful lives.
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Summary
Letting go as a parent can be both challenging and liberating. As children grow into adulthood, it’s essential for parents to redefine their roles, allowing their children to make decisions while providing love and support. Understanding when a child transitions to adulthood and how to navigate differing beliefs can ease this process. Embrace this new chapter of life with open arms, and watch your children flourish in their own unique ways.