I can’t pinpoint where the idea came from—perhaps a school discussion or a dramatic teen show. What I did know was that I craved to feel something, anything. It wasn’t about the pain; it was about the release.
In therapy, I discovered I’m a covert perfectionist. On the surface, I appeared laid-back and carefree, but inside, I was a tightly wound ball of anxiety. Perfection was my mantra. Failure felt unbearable, and at 15, this relentless pursuit of perfection turned into an overwhelming burden. I felt compelled to ace my classes to earn my teachers’ approval, be the perfect child to ensure my parents’ love, and be everything to everyone around me. I thought if I made others happy, I’d find happiness too.
In truth, this pressure had the opposite effect. The stress and exhaustion of trying to be who I thought I needed to be left me feeling numb. I couldn’t experience joy, sadness, or even pain; I was just a hollow version of myself, wearing a smile to mask my inner turmoil.
Then came the breaking point.
One day, I grabbed the scissors from the bathroom counter, my hands trembling as I pressed the blades against my arm. The pain was sharp and immediate, but that was the point. I finally felt something again! It was physical pain, yes, but it also released the floodgates of emotion I had kept bottled up for so long. I was alive again, if only for a moment.
This cycle continued for months—overwhelming pressure, deep depression, numbness, and then a release through self-harm.
Eventually, my sister discovered my secret and confided in our parents. That night, I felt an overwhelming wave of unconditional love. After months of darkness, I finally experienced a positive emotion.
Therapy revealed that I had endured a major depressive episode, and I’ve since learned to live with depression in its many forms. I’m grateful for the medication that makes my daily life manageable. I wish I’d had these resources during my high school years.
So, this is my story about why I turned to self-harm. The pressure to be perfect almost consumed me. While some teens may just seem to be navigating the typical angst of adolescence, many are genuinely struggling and require support. If you sense something is off with your teen, don’t brush it aside. It may be daunting to confront the truth, but with love and understanding, you can truly be a beacon of hope—just like my family was for me.
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Summary
My journey through teenage self-harm stemmed from an overwhelming desire for perfection, exacerbated by external pressures. With the love and support of my family, I learned to confront my struggles and embrace my mental health journey. It’s crucial for parents to recognize signs of distress in their teens and provide the support they need.