Listen, Sweetheart, You’re No Longer 20. Time to Hang Up Those Cleats.

home insemination Kit

Dear Mark,

I’m truly sorry to say this, but your glory days as an athlete seem to have reached a bit of a hurdle. You managed to dodge any significant injuries until now, and now you’re facing surgery. Aging is a tough pill to swallow, and I’m fully aware that rehab is going to put a damper on your active lifestyle.

But, if I’m being honest, I’m a bit more concerned about my own situation.

With three kids (the eldest barely four) and a two-story house, life isn’t going to pause while you recover. While you’re lounging around on medication and binge-watching Netflix, I’ll be juggling snack time, diaper changes, and all the other delightful chaos that comes with parenthood.

Your recovery will be quite different now that we have children. Before, I might have taken some time off work to pamper you—think bell rings for help, movie marathons, and sentimental Post-it notes sprinkled everywhere. But now? You’ll need to set your own alarms for those pain meds. I’ll stash some water and snacks on your nightstand, and I’ll check in on you around 7:30 p.m. Good luck with that! Just to clarify, I didn’t drop out of nursing school solely because of anatomy; it turns out, compassion isn’t really my strong suit.

Oh, and if there’s a surprise wife I’m not aware of, now would be the time to come clean. I could really use some extra hands around here for the next couple of weeks.

Now, let’s address your future athletic pursuits. This latest injury happened while you were playing adult league flag football. Here are some points to consider:

1. You’ve never played football before,
2. We live in Texas where football is practically a religion, and
3. You’ve been playing against 20-somethings.

Whoever said that thirty is the new twenty clearly wasn’t talking about sports.

There are plenty of low-impact ways to stay fit. We have beautiful running trails, a gym membership, and three little ones who are always ready for a race. In the future, let’s stick to activities that involve running straight ahead—no dodging, cutting, or keeping score. You can do races, triathlons, or even the MS 150! But if it involves any of those young whippersnappers, the answer is a firm no.

We’ll get through this, but please, when people ask how they can help, let them know they can bring dinner, take a kid or two, or give you a ride to work.

Love,

Your Wife