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This Woman Who Has No Clue What Her Makeup Is Really For Represents Us All
March 5, 2017
“I have no idea what I’m doing.”
Ah, those infuriating YouTube makeup tutorials. You know the ones—absolutely stunning women applying makeup like it’s second nature, expertly blending products while smiling as if they’re in a beauty commercial. They make it seem effortless, but for the rest of us, it’s a different story. Thankfully, we’ve got a breath of fresh air.
Enter Samantha Green, a hilarious Australian comedian and radio personality who recently shared her “Realistic Makeup Tutorial,” and trust me, it’s a riot.
While traditional makeup tutorials feature glam gurus who speak about makeup as if it’s a foreign dialect, Green sounds like your average mom—a mom who might still have those brushes from the last time the world was normal. She kicks things off with primer, which she insists is “super important.” Right? Who knows? She reveals that she acquired her MAC primer “against her will,” thanks to a beauty saleswoman who was way too attractive for her comfort. “I felt threatened, so I bought it,” she admits.
This is exactly why I, too, buy most of my makeup online.
As Green applies the primer with “a brush that’s been around since 2002 and has never seen soap,” we can all relate. Remember those brushes we bought years ago? Yeah, I haven’t washed mine either—sorry beauty experts, but mama barely has time to shampoo her own hair.
“Oh my God, this magnifying mirror is revealing a lot of truths,” Green sighs as she finishes up her primer application, dubbing the result “heaven.”
Next up is foundation, and her method for choosing a shade is purely scientific. “I use either this Maybelline Fit Me or MAC Studio Fix Fluid, depending on whether I’m tanned.” Spoiler: she’s not tanned today, so Maybelline wins.
As she moves on to the next step, Green faces a common struggle that makeup tutorials conveniently forget to mention—how foundation accentuates any facial hair. “Well, hello, little ‘mo,” she quips, and honestly, same here.
Then she tackles her brows with a tiny brush she whimsically refers to as a “pink thing,” because who really keeps track of the names of these tools? Her brow gel is yet another “thing” from the same brand. Who cares, right?
Oops! She misplaces a brow and tries to fix it, laughing, “Yeah, that’ll save it. Not sure if that’s right, but I’m over it.” It’s comforting to know someone else approaches their makeup with the “Good Enough” mentality.
Next is contouring, a task she bravely attempts, even admitting she has no clue what she’s doing. I can relate—every time I try, I either end up looking like a sunburnt raccoon or a contestant from Cirque du Soleil.
Moving on to the eyes, she slaps on “brown tone” eyeshadow with another unwashed brush that still bears evidence of her “slutty eye” look from a recent event. After assessing her work, she says, “You know what? That’ll do.”
Honestly, that’s my entire beauty philosophy in a nutshell.
As she blends the eyeshadow, she whispers, “I don’t know what I’m doing,” and she is definitely not alone.
With a six-year-old mascara she describes as “clumpy,” she finishes with a lip pencil and a bit of ancient chapstick. Voila! She wraps it up, saying, “My eyebrows aren’t great, and I can’t see out of my right eye, probably thanks to the mascara.”
Despite the mishaps, she signs off with a cheerful note: “Anyone can wear makeup, just give it a go!”
Absolutely! Especially if we can laugh at her tutorial while working with our decade-old brushes and questionable mascara.
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Summary: In a humorous take on the world of makeup tutorials, Samantha Green’s “Realistic Makeup Tutorial” captures the struggle of everyday moms trying to navigate makeup application. With relatable mishaps and a carefree attitude, she reminds us that makeup doesn’t have to be perfect to be fun.