Weight Gain Made Me Feel Ugly, But Not In The Way I Thought

home insemination Kit

It was one of those “I feel fat” days. My weight hadn’t actually changed, but my confidence took a nosedive. Standing in front of the mirror, I tugged at the hem of yet another new shirt. Before long, the nasty thoughts began to invade my mind.

Ugh. I look like a squished can of biscuits!

The tunic hit the floor as I rifled through my closet for a cami that might save the day. Had this shirt shrunk? It was perfect when I bought it! Long enough to cover my hips but not so long that it looked like a mini dress…and now?

I look like the “before” shot in one of those weight loss commercials.

I kept obsessively posing, searching for the most flattering angle of my reflection. Just as self-doubt was about to spiral out of control, my husband yelled from downstairs, “Are you ready yet? The doctor’s appointment is in 30 minutes! You’re gonna be late!”

With a resigned sigh, I yanked up my pants and glanced in the mirror one last time. Skinny jeans? Ha! “Skinny” is hardly the term for a size 16.

I slammed the closet door and hurried downstairs, ready to wrangle my baby.

At the pediatrician’s office, a confident brunette walked in. The doctor smiled at me and began asking about my child. I crossed my arms over my stomach, tugging at my clothes like they were the enemy. And I hated myself for it, but I couldn’t help but resent Dr. Perfect for being so…well, perfect.

She tried to chat about warm weather and swimsuit shopping, but her cheerful demeanor grated on my nerves. Who enjoys buying swimsuits, anyway? Just give us the vaccine, Dr. Perfect. We don’t have time for small talk.

As soon as I left her office, I called my best friend for an emergency lunch. I needed to drown my feelings in a giant bowl of queso.

While enjoying some chips and ranting about the pediatrician, I said, “I mean, who talks about swimsuits when your baby is getting shots, right? She was the worst! I definitely need to find a new doctor. So annoying.”

My best friend dropped her fork. “Sweetheart, I need to be honest with you for a sec. Can you handle it?”

Her serious expression told me I wasn’t going to like what was coming.
“Yeah, I can handle it. What’s up?”

“All right. You’ve been complaining about your weight a lot lately. I get it. You’ve had a baby, and things feel off. You are beautiful, of course, but the real issue isn’t your weight. It’s that you’ve become a bit…well, petty. You’ve gotten mean.”

Suddenly, I wasn’t hungry for chips anymore. I just wanted to curl up in stretchy pants and binge-watch Netflix. If my best friend doesn’t love me, then I’ll embrace a life of solitude. A fat, happy hermit.

“Like that pediatrician,” she continued. “You ranted for 10 minutes about how awful she was. From what I can tell, the only problem you had is that she was attractive. This isn’t like you. What’s really going on?”

She raised an eyebrow, waiting for my answer.

“I just,” I stammered. “I feel so…ugly.”

There it was.

Her expression softened, but my best friend wasn’t going to let me off the hook that easily. “Okay, I love you, but here’s the truth: Your weight gain isn’t making you ugly, darling. Your attitude is.”

After paying the check and hugging her, I left the restaurant in tears. What could I say?

It takes a good friend to drop a truth bomb like that. I knew she was right. The mean girl in my head never stopped her chatter. She narrated my life and completely took over. The truth was that the happier version of me didn’t despise beautiful doctors. Happy Me didn’t mind swimsuit season. Happy Me loved the warm weather — that’s why we moved to Florida!

So the real issue wasn’t an unhealthy body; it was a broken heart.

How do I even begin to fix that?

Once home, I laid my baby down for a nap and found myself back in front of the mirror. I stripped off my clothes and kicked them aside. I stood there for a moment, examining the body I had spent so much time scrutinizing and criticizing.

Then I looked myself in the eye, and the tears came.

Why am I so cruel to myself?

For too long, I had placed undue importance on my appearance, as if beauty equated to worthiness. My mind knew better, but my heart had swallowed so many lies.

You’re undesirable. Everyone judges you. Everyone is looking at you. Everyone is disgusted by you.

Over time, as my figure filled out, my confidence shrank. I stood there — 40 pounds heavier but a mere shadow of my former self. I could lose every pound in the world, but the self-hatred would still linger.

It was time to stop the cycle of self-hate. No, it was time to embrace self-love. Just as I am. The “before picture” version of myself. No exceptions.

I traced my fingers over the stretch marks lining my belly. Mean Girl whispered again, but I told her to be quiet.

I’ve earned these stripes, darn it. They’re awesome.

I turned to look over my shoulder, ignoring Mean Girl and finding kind words for my body instead.

Your skin is beautiful. Your body is strong.

I examined my hips — the part my inner critic judged the most harshly.

You’ve given birth to two little miracles. What a freaking triumph you are!

A smile spread across my face as I walked out of that closet for the first time with a spark in my eyes.

My journey to self-acceptance began that hour, three months ago, when I realized that the ugliness I feared was never external; it was internal. A voice always berating myself and others. Sure, that mean girl still pipes up occasionally, but her voice is fading. Insecurity still tries to take over, but I fight back (as best I can).

I’ve learned that the kinder I am to myself, the kinder I am to others.

I’ve shed a few inches since then, which is nice, but the most important transformation is this: My heart is healing. I’ve learned to love “before picture” me without conditions. By extending grace to myself and others, a heavy burden has slowly lifted from my shoulders.

Funny thing is, that was the first weight that needed to go.

If you’re on a similar journey of self-discovery and acceptance, check out this blog post on intracervicalinsemination.com. It’s a great resource for navigating life’s challenges and finding joy. And for those looking to boost their fertility, take a look at Make a Mom’s expert advice. If you’re considering home insemination, Cleveland Clinic offers excellent information on the process.

Summary:

Weight gain often leads to negative self-perception rooted in insecurities. This personal journey illustrates how the true struggle lies not in physical appearance but in the battle against self-criticism and negativity. By embracing self-love and kindness, one can transform their outlook and foster a healthier relationship with themselves, ultimately leading to healing and acceptance.