You Might Think ‘Boys Will Be Boys’ When You See My Sons, But Keep That Thought to Yourself

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A few weeks ago, after a substantial snowstorm, I was walking my son to pre-K. Snowdrifts were still towering around us, and my son was gleefully launching himself into every pile we passed. As we approached the school entrance, another parent caught sight of my snow-covered son as he flew off a small snow mountain nearby. With a chuckle, the parent remarked, “Boys will be boys, right?”

“Uh, yeah,” I replied, laughing nervously as I brushed off my son and ushered him into school.

I chuckled, but internally I was cringing. You see, I really dislike the phrase “Boys will be boys,” and I dislike it even more when it’s directed at my sons.

Now, I know this parent meant no harm. He saw my son being his wild, boyish self and thought it was adorable. By saying “Boys will be boys,” he was attempting to highlight how completely normal it is for my son to revel in the snow. And yes, it is entirely appropriate. That part I agree with. The issue is that this behavior has nothing to do with him being a boy.

I’m sure the parent didn’t consider the gender bias wrapped up in the phrase “Boys will be boys”—the way it stereotypes boys and implies certain behaviors are exclusive to them. I doubt he thought about how often this phrase is used to excuse misogynistic or violent behaviors in boys and men.

I pondered these things, which is why I found myself cringing. I can handle the patriarchal language that permeates our culture; I approach it analytically rather than internalizing it.

What truly concerned me was how this phrase might affect my son. For the first four years of his life, I did my best to shield him from pervasive gender stereotypes. I knew he’d encounter them eventually, but I wanted him to have a few formative years to discover his passions without being confined to societal labels.

I never taught him that certain things were meant only for boys or girls. When he admired a princess tiara in a store, I bought it for him. He amassed a collection of pink princess toothbrushes and borrowed a Barbie from his cousin without hesitation.

Most of his interests skewed toward what many consider traditionally boyish—trucks, trains, superheroes—but I worked hard to ensure those interests were his and not dictated by anyone else.

I was aware that the day would come when he’d realize that society has different views on these matters. A few months into pre-K, as we read a princess book he chose from the library, he said, “Mommy, did you know that princesses are for girls?”

“Well,” I replied, “many people believe that, but it’s just something people made up. You can like princesses whether you’re a boy or a girl.”

He accepted that. But a few weeks later, while coloring, he declared that I should toss the pink markers.

“Why?” I asked.

“Pink is only for girls,” he insisted.

Taking a deep breath, I explained that while some people think that, it isn’t true—pink is just a color meant for everyone. I kept my explanation simple, and he seemed to absorb it, but I could tell he was more skeptical than before.

That’s part of why hearing that parent say “Boys will be boys” worried me. It may seem harmless—just a phrase—but kids are sponges. They hear everything and take it in.

We can’t completely shield our children from the deep-rooted gender stereotypes in our culture. Even the most progressive families will miss the mark sometimes. But we must all do our part. We need to choose our words thoughtfully and consider what world we want to present to our children—what messages we want them to internalize.

As a mother of two boys, I feel it’s my responsibility to teach them that boys can be wild but also gentle. They can be strong and assertive, yet still express their feelings and cry when needed. I want them to understand that being male is never an excuse to be harmful or domineering toward anyone.

I aim to raise men who respect women, each other, and everyone they encounter. But I can’t do it alone—I need support from everyone around me.

So please, think twice before using phrases like “Boys will be boys” or “Man up.” Help me convey to my sons—and all boys—that they are more than the gender they were assigned at birth, and that they have the potential to grow into whoever they aspire to be.

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Summary

This article discusses the impact of phrases like “Boys will be boys” on children, particularly boys, and emphasizes the importance of teaching them to break free from gender stereotypes. The author shares personal anecdotes about raising her sons without rigid gender norms, advocating for a more inclusive understanding of masculinity.