When my partner was eight months pregnant, I found myself in a conversation with my boss, Gary, about my upcoming paternity leave. This was three years ago.
“I wouldn’t take too much time off,” Gary advised, his tone serious. “Your clients could really suffer.” As I sat at my desk, I felt a pang of guilt.
Gary, a single father in his mid-40s, had been in the education sector for nearly two decades. While he genuinely cared about the well-being of his employees, he also had a strong focus on the program’s success and the impact it had on our students.
At the time, I was working as an academic advisor, supporting around 80 students every two weeks. That term alone, I could name several students who might have had to leave college if I hadn’t stepped in. My partner, Lily, was due right before the end of the spring term, which is usually when students need the most support.
But I also knew that Lily and our new baby would need my attention too. We had just moved to Oregon from Utah, a hefty 14-hour drive away, and didn’t have much family nearby. While Lily’s mother planned to help us out, I knew that I had to be there for her during this pivotal time.
I had enough sick leave to take seven weeks off. The university policy allowed for up to three months, but only some of that would be paid. This was my first real job after college, but it was our third child. With the first two, I was busy working in restaurants while finishing my degree and could only manage a few days off. I had always resented that I missed those crucial bonding moments and the opportunity to support Lily when she needed me most. I swore to myself that once I was settled in my career, I’d take all the time I could when we had another baby.
Then came the unexpected pressure of professional responsibility. I felt guilty thinking that my absence might negatively impact my students’ futures. Our program was already struggling with funding and staffing issues.
Later that evening, as we relaxed on the sofa after putting the kids to bed, Lily and I discussed how much time I should take.
“Seven weeks would be amazing,” she said. “I could really use your help.”
But then I shared Gary’s words. “I’m not worried about my job, but I feel responsible for my students,” I admitted.
Lily considered this for a moment. “Yes, having you around would be great, but my mom will be here too. I want you at the hospital, but other than that, I’ll be okay. We’ve managed before,” she reassured me.
I like to claim that I’m a dad first and an employee second, but when it came down to making a choice between being with my newborn and supporting my family, I felt torn.
It felt selfish. I thought about what many men experience when considering paternity leave. The truth was, my students would probably be just fine. The world would keep turning without me, but the guilt was overwhelming. I felt that as a man, my primary role was to provide financially and to be there for my job and colleagues. Taking time for my family felt like I was slacking off, calling in “sick” when I was perfectly fine. I was the new guy, after all, and so many thoughts raced through my mind, most of them based on outdated notions about paternal leave.
I understand that taking time off for a new baby is about so much more than just physical recovery—it’s about bonding and adjusting to new life. In the end, the struggle to prioritize work over family is a challenge many face. Unfortunately, I allowed my job to take precedence, ultimately choosing to take just two weeks off.
Now, reflecting back, I regret that decision. Like with our first two kids, I missed the chance to bond with our new daughter and support Lily during those crucial early weeks.
Lily and I have decided that we’re done having kids, but if you’re an expectant father reading this, I get it—the pressure is real. Yet, I also know the regret that comes from not taking that time. So, let me say it clearly: if you have the option to take paternity leave, do it. Take every single moment. Your family will be stronger for it, and you won’t regret it.
For more insights on family planning and related topics, check out this post about home insemination kits and learn more about intrauterine insemination for additional resources on the journey to parenthood.
Summary
This article encourages expectant fathers to embrace paternity leave, emphasizing the importance of being present during the early days of a child’s life. The author reflects on his own regrets from not taking enough time off and urges others to prioritize family over work obligations.