Screw You, Allergies!

home insemination Kit

Spring has finally arrived, and the great outdoors is calling! The dogwoods are bursting with their stunning white blossoms, and a delicate green veil is unfurling on the trees, that enchanting shade of new leaves. Buds are popping out on rose bushes, temperatures are rising, and soon it’ll be time to break out the shorts and flip-flops. Everything about this season should feel magical—a refreshing breath of life after a long, dreary winter.

Except for the damn pollen.

This insidious airborne menace—like tree sperm sent from the depths of hell—hangs around, invisible yet utterly destructive. It’s like nature’s own chemical warfare against humanity. Remember that cringe-worthy M. Night Shyamalan movie where the plants drive people to self-harm? Every spring, it feels like the plants just want us to suffer the torturous effects of their pollen.

Thanks to some bizarre evolutionary quirk, tree pollen sends my family’s immune systems into a frenzy. I know spring has truly sprung when the snot starts flowing—think gooey Vermont maple syrup, but much less appetizing. My kids start sniffling and suddenly lose all interest in outdoor play. Being outside only intensifies their misery, making their noses run and their eyes turn a spectacular shade of squinty red.

The youngest runs a fever, his eyes puffing up as he snorts snot back like a tiny, miserable vacuum. Meanwhile, my older two are hit with headaches, sneezing fits, and the persistent redness of their eyes. It’s a recipe for chaos, and they’re all on edge. At least they know why they feel awful. The baby, just three years old, only knows he feels crummy and takes it out on anyone within reach.

They want to frolic outside, but once they get a taste of that fresh air, they’re begging to come back in. Then the house becomes a tornado of chaos, as they desperately need to run around—yet outside only serves up gallons of snot and discomfort. So, during allergy season, my home looks like a war zone. If I have to pick up another blanket off the floor, I might just pack the kids into the minivan and drive off to Vegas, never to return.

We needed a solution. A visit to the local pharmacy revealed the children’s Claritin nestled in the “Cough and Cold” aisle at Target. The price? A staggering $24.95 for just thirty doses. That’s twenty-five bucks for a supply that will last about ten days! At this rate, I might as well sell my three-year-old to afford the rest of allergy season. Thankfully, there are generic options, which claim to do the same job, but even those add up when multiplied by the number of kids I have.

And it’s not just the kids suffering. My husband wakes up every morning looking like he just rolled out of a stoner convention. If the kids are snotty, we’re even worse. We go through tissues like a teenager on a mission for the perfect D-Cup. It feels like a never-ending cold, where your immune system is just powerless to fight back; all you can do is wait and curse those wretched trees. Tissues chap your upper lip, and you reach for Chap Stick, only to find it’s been pilfered by the kids, leaving you with a persistent red mark between your nose and lip. Combined with your reddened nose, you might as well be Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

As if that weren’t enough, the whole family snores like a pack of wild animals, thanks to the congestion brought on by the unholy joy of tree reproduction. Forget about getting a good night’s sleep—my husband sounds like a dying yak, and the kids follow suit with their own miniature versions of the same. I drown them in Claritin, shove in some earplugs, and pray I can find some peace before my own dying yak impersonation starts.

Headaches plague me, and my contacts feel like they’re glued to my eyeballs. It’s an endless cycle of snot, crankiness, and the great outdoors calling—yet the outdoors can only make it worse. Trees are fantastic, truly—they give us oxygen to breathe. But they do have a way of getting their revenge. Thank goodness for children’s Claritin. Too bad it costs twenty-five bucks. Anyone up for purchasing a three-year-old?

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Summary

As spring blooms, the joys of nature are overshadowed by the relentless onslaught of pollen that wreaks havoc on my family’s health and sanity. The struggle against allergies leads to chaos in our home, with endless snot, cranky kids, and sleepless nights. Despite our efforts to manage the situation with medications, the price of relief can feel exorbitant.