Menu
- Parenting
- Do You Love Your Child More Than You Dislike Your Ex?
by Sarah Johnson
Updated: June 7, 2017
Originally Published: May 16, 2017
“Mom, are most divorced people like you and Dad, or do they usually just hate each other?”
My son, Jake, and I are on our way to catch a movie—just the two of us. It’s a rare moment without our other four kids from our blended family, and we’re both thrilled. Jake is enjoying the undivided attention, and I’m eager to dive into what’s been on his mind.
“I’m not sure,” I reply. “What do you think?”
“I think most divorced people can’t stand each other.”
Jake goes on to share stories from his middle school about friends who act as their parents’ messengers, mediators, and even referees. He talks about the tense phone calls he hears, the anxiety surrounding custody exchanges, and friends who seem deeply troubled. He’s in seventh grade, after all.
“Why don’t you and Dad fight like that?”
This is a question I hear from adults more often than from my kids, who are just as curious. They want to know the secret behind why my ex-husband, Tom, and I maintain a civil relationship. Was our divorce easy? Absolutely not! The implication is that we must be some kind of anomaly in the world of divorce.
The reality? Our situation wasn’t special. Our split was painful, filled with blame, loneliness, and feelings of failure in building a family.
I tell Jake the honest truth: “Your dad and I don’t argue because we chose early on in our separation to treat our divorce as one significant wound.”
I notice the confused look on his face, so I clarify. Tween boys aren’t usually the best at asking follow-up questions, and I want him to grasp the concept.
“When we decided to part ways, we knew it would hurt you three. We realized it would be tough for all of us. But we had a choice: we could either hurt you once and then move on to find our own happiness, or we could keep hurting you repeatedly. Some parents keep fighting and causing pain, even post-separation, arguing over every little thing—time spent at each house, clothes, vacations.”
He seems to be absorbing this.
I continue, sharing something he might not know: for months after our split, Tom and I didn’t speak. He doesn’t remember that time. I recount the late-night arguments we had when the kids were asleep. But even in those moments, we agreed on one critical point: the divorce would be the only major hurt we inflicted on our children. We made that commitment during therapy as our marriage crumbled. Even when we disagreed about everything else, we were united on that front.
“Tom and I still have our differences. We’re two distinct individuals, and you know that best because you live with both of us. Our parenting styles differ, our interests vary, and our disciplinary methods aren’t the same. But we both agree on the most crucial aspect: you. We’ve committed to co-parenting, because it’s in your best interest.”
“Your dad and I love you too much to ever hate each other.”
I remind him that harboring hatred for Tom would mean I’d be hating half of who Jake is. Letting anger take root in my heart would taint the joyful memories of our marriage and the beginning of my journey into motherhood. Choosing love over hatred is essential to shaping my children’s story positively.
Of course, I’m not immune to having less-than-pleasant memories of our time together. I clash with Tom from time to time, even when we prioritize the kids and present a united front. I’m sure he feels the same way. Occasionally, I catch a hint of irritation in his voice when he thinks I’m being too pushy. Our history is complicated, filled with hurt and anger. We are divorced, after all.
But we chose to co-parent. We independently decided, even when we disagreed on the shade of blue in the sky, to work together as a team. Despite the messiness and challenges, we focused on the three people we love most and let that love guide us. Our goal is identical to any other family’s: to keep our children safe and whole.
Tom and I didn’t fail at building a family when we divorced. Our commitment to co-parenting and ensuring our kids have a wonderful childhood means we are forever connected. We opted for a path that promotes their long-term health and happiness, and we did it together. In this way, we resemble many parents who stay married. Our choice to peacefully co-parent binds us together.
Peaceful co-parenting might seem like a far-off dream. You may not be in that space right now. Your ex may seem like a stranger. That’s a sentiment I completely understand; Tom and I weren’t always in sync, either. But peaceful co-parenting is achievable—even for those who have been deeply hurt. Even for those who feel miles apart. Start small. Love your kids and take the first step today.
If you found this article insightful, check out this post for more perspectives on family dynamics and parenting challenges.
Summary
So, loving your child should always take precedence over any animosity towards your ex. By choosing to co-parent with love and respect, you can create a nurturing environment for your children, even amidst the complexities of divorce. Whether you’re struggling to get along or just beginning to navigate co-parenting, remember that love for your kids can guide your actions.