It was before dawn when the ruckus began this morning—yelling, door slamming, and cereal scattering everywhere. I pulled up my covers and turned over, trying to catch a few more z’s. After the shower stopped, I called out to my husband, Tom, that the kiddos seemed restless and drifted back to sleep. Thankfully, my three kids weren’t around, so I was off duty. This may sound unusual to some, but it’s what keeps our blended family running smoothly.
In our household, we maintain clear boundaries regarding stepparenting. Discipline and the role of referee fall solely to the biological parent. It’s one of those responsibilities that doesn’t cross the stepparent line. Establishing and respecting these boundaries is how our large blended family operates differently from traditional families.
Tom and I have a long list of tasks we avoid doing for each other’s children. When his kids are over, he takes charge of cooking dinner for everyone, managing their laundry, and organizing playdates. He even handles birthday gifts and schedules appointments. I do the same for my kids. If my son Leo needs supplies for a school project, I’m the one who runs to the store. If my daughter Mia is home sick, I stay with her.
You might be nodding in agreement at those day-to-day duties, but there’s more to consider. It would be simpler (and cheaper) if we didn’t maintain these boundaries.
I work from home, which gives me the flexibility to run errands during the day and avoid the after-work rush. It’s easy for me to care for my kids while managing my full-time job. Tom, however, doesn’t have that same luxury. His full-time job outside the home, coupled with the responsibilities of his half of the family, can be quite the juggling act. He often finds himself making last-minute grocery runs after work or trying to manage ballet pickups while on a conference call. His side of the family has a packed schedule, with activities almost every school night.
In many traditional families, what Tom handles would typically fall to me. I have the time and flexibility to assist with soccer practice or ballet drop-offs. I can plan meals while basking in sunlight at my desk, rather than from the driver’s seat on the way home. Logistically, it might be easier for Tom if I took on these duties. He even has a nanny to help with mid-day activities—there could be savings if I stepped into that role.
So why don’t I? Because parenting is the job of the parent.
Tom is fully capable. He was a competent single father before I came into the picture, and the time he spends with his children is invaluable. They deserve to have him as their primary parent—through the ups and downs. The lessons he imparts, both directly and indirectly, are ones I couldn’t offer in the same way. His role models commitment, provides stability, and challenges traditional gender roles.
Let me clarify: we are a team. I’m not going to ignore my stepson Jake’s jacket lying on the floor, and Tom spent a good 20 minutes helping his son Ethan tie his tie for the formal dance. We’re always willing to lend a hand to each other and support our six kids. We just try to leave the heavy lifting of parenting to the person the child sees as their primary caregiver.
Stepparenting is less stressful when we simplify our roles. It’s a tough gig with loyalty issues, mixed feelings, and grief. In our home, we strive to let the stepparent build genuine relationships directly with the kids. We focus on finding the positives in each child and parent, which serves as our connection point. This means we avoid complicating things with discipline or regularly picking up socks from the floor.
I have special activities with my stepdaughters, like searching for cute hairstyles on Pinterest with Lily or baking with Sophie. Jake is my go-to dog-walking buddy. Tom dances with Mia in the kitchen, tossing her up high, while he’s teaching Ethan to drive. Leo loves spending time with Tom in the garage and is always the first to volunteer for power tool projects. We prioritize positive, supportive interactions between stepparents and kids.
Maintaining boundaries strengthens our partnership. If Tom and I aren’t aligned, our family dynamics suffer. It may seem easier for me to take on a more active parenting role with Tom’s children. I could easily delegate those tough conversations about teenage matters I’m having with Ethan to him. But muddling our boundaries would only complicate things further.
Expecting one another to fully take on the role of a parent would amplify the stress in our home. We might not agree on how to handle each child, and even if we did, experts say the kids would likely reject it. That rejection could lead to a cascade of negative effects.
We didn’t marry because we wanted to co-parent; we’re fortunate to have effective partnerships with our exes. By maintaining our boundaries, we minimize potential conflicts between us and strengthen our family’s foundation.
It might seem odd to those in traditional families that we stick to this division of responsibilities. However, in our blended family, setting stepparent boundaries liberates us from the conflicts that many others face. We don’t grapple with stepparent overwhelm, argue about discipline, or create obstacles in bonding with the kids. For us, boundaries bolster our partnership and overall family dynamic, leading to strong, positive relationships across both biological and stepparent lines.
For more insights on family dynamics and parenting, check out this resource and learn more about how boundaries can benefit your family.
Summary
Establishing clear boundaries in a blended family can lead to healthier relationships between stepparents and stepchildren. By delineating responsibilities, each parent can focus on their biological children while supporting each other. This approach minimizes conflict and stress, fostering positive interactions and stronger partnerships.