I Won’t ‘Toughen Up’ My Kids for the Real World: Here’s Why

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A few weeks ago, my son Max went on a field trip to the local museum. When I picked him up, his teacher pulled me aside to share a little story: they were given stone shards to craft into arrowheads, and Max ended up with a particularly large piece. A girl next to him expressed her hope for a big shard too, and without a second thought, Max handed his over to her.

Now, I won’t lie; I was a bit proud, but it also reminded me that I’m raising a child who, more often than not, chooses compassion over competition. He finds joy in sharing and lifting others up. In that moment, he wanted to make someone else happy, even if it meant giving up his own treasure. I can just imagine that little girl paying it forward someday because she experienced kindness firsthand.

Sure, part of this is just Max being himself—he’s got a big heart, and he’s sensitive and empathetic. Sometimes he gets his feelings hurt easily, and he struggles to articulate what’s bothering him. For some, this is a sign that he needs “tough love” to prepare him for the harsh realities of life. But here’s the thing: I firmly disagree with that notion, and I’m not going to impose it on him.

I refuse to toughen him up for the big, bad world out there. Growing up, I was often told to “toughen up” or to be quiet about things that really mattered. We’ve all experienced moments when our feelings were dismissed, and it never feels good.

I want a different conversation with my kids. I’m not talking about letting them whine for two days because they didn’t get the biggest slice of cake at a birthday bash. I mean allowing them to express their emotions—whether they’re hurt, angry, happy, or excited. I believe in confronting feelings head-on and processing them healthily. The alternative? Bottling them up, which can lead to resentment down the line.

We can raise kids who are kind, caring, and compassionate. Expressing emotions doesn’t equate to weakness. When we hold the door for someone, volunteer for a cause, or buy lunch for someone sitting alone, our kids notice. Those lessons stick, just like the not-so-great lessons we teach when we tell them to “toughen up” and shake off their feelings.

When our kids come to us with their problems—no matter how trivial they might seem to us—the best thing we can do is acknowledge their struggles and help them navigate those feelings. We can create safe spaces for them to process emotions without the fear of repression. Just like any skill, the more we practice dealing with emotions rather than putting on a brave face, the better we become at it.

Kids will face hurt and challenges; that’s the toughest part of parenting. I want my children to learn to handle those situations in a healthy way. Toughening them up to take emotional punches or teaching them to “act like a man” sends the wrong message: that there’s shame in their feelings, which only leads to repression and may cause their emotions to surface in unhealthy ways.

If we teach our kids to suppress their feelings from a young age, they’ll struggle to understand and empathize with others’ pain. Compassion stems from having our feelings validated, and when we teach our kids to extend love and kindness, they’re giving the world a precious gift. It all starts with little gestures, like letting someone else have the bigger arrowhead simply because it’s the right thing to do.

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In summary, I believe in nurturing my kids’ emotional intelligence rather than toughening them up. It’s about teaching them to express and process their feelings, creating compassionate individuals who can handle life’s challenges with kindness.