I recently took a break at work and found myself engrossed in an article by Ada Calhoun in the New York Times. She explores the transformations that couples face over the years, arguing that while we often believe the person we marry will remain the same, change is inevitable and something we must embrace. One striking line made me reflect deeply: “Many long-married individuals have expressed this sentiment: ‘I’ve had at least three marriages, all with the same person.’” This resonated with me, as I see my own relationship with Jenna evolving through distinct phases: our adventurous 20s, family-focused 30s, and now, the responsibilities of homeownership in our 40s.
When Jenna and I tied the knot, we were quite different individuals. Over the course of thirteen years, three children, and several degrees between us, it’s no wonder we’ve changed. Back at 21, I didn’t even know how to type, had never picked up a novel, and was solely focused on extreme sports and tattoos. Fast forward to today, and I hold a graduate degree, work at a university, just landed a book deal, and drive a minivan—complete with a wardrobe of practical attire. I often joke that if my younger self encountered my current self, he would have probably punched me for being so boring.
Jenna has undergone her own significant changes. Initially, she had just completed her associate’s degree and felt ready to settle down. Today, she holds a bachelor’s degree, teaches at an elementary school, and has adopted a vegetarian lifestyle. We’ve clearly grown together, sharing similar tastes and interests now, from our oversized glasses to our mutual love for romantic comedies. However, reflecting on our journey, I realize that our transitions weren’t always synchronized.
In the early years, I was still in the socializing phase while Jenna was eager to settle down. This led to frequent disagreements about my social outings and concert attendance when I should have been focusing on family duties. Later, as I shifted my focus to completing my education, Jenna was more intent on being present for the kids. Now, we’re both navigating the challenges of homeownership and prioritizing our children.
Throughout these changes, we’ve experienced numerous ups and downs, with arguments that ultimately helped us learn how to coexist happily. This realization is enlightening to me, as I suspect many couples overlook this aspect of marriage. A TED Talk by Dan Gilbert further illuminates this point: he found that people tend to believe their current friendships and interests will remain unchanged over the next decade, while those who have aged recognize how much has shifted.
When I married Jenna, I assumed we would remain fundamentally the same—sharing friends and interests throughout our lives. I anticipated changes in appearance and style but mistakenly thought our core values would stay intact. However, reflecting on our early days, my priorities have shifted dramatically. I no longer chase after tattoos or punk concerts; my focus is now on home payments and my son’s soccer games. The notion that the person you marry will remain static is an illusion, and clinging to this belief can hinder a healthy marriage.
As I reflect on my marriage’s long-term investment, I realize it involves envisioning Jenna with gray hair and added weight but also embracing possibilities like changes in beliefs, hobbies, and interests. It’s about loving someone even when they become a homebody while you develop a passion for travel. It requires mutual excitement about each other’s growth and sometimes adapting yourself to accommodate these changes.
Throughout my marriage, I’ve received plenty of advice about compromise and communication. What I wish I had been told is that change is not only normal but essential for personal growth and a thriving relationship. As Dan Gilbert concludes in his TED Talk, “Human beings are works in progress that mistakenly think they’re finished.” Embracing the constant evolution of ourselves and our partners is crucial to navigating marriage successfully.
For more insights into this journey of change and growth, check out this post on terms and conditions. If you’re also interested in home insemination, this website offers great resources for artificial insemination kits.
Summary:
Marriage is a journey of transformation, where both partners evolve through different phases of life. Embracing change strengthens the relationship, as seen in the experiences of Jenna and me. Understanding that our values and priorities shift over time is essential for a happy marriage.