Parenting comes with a spectrum of styles: the Detached Parent, the Frustrated Parent, the Indifferent Parent, the Neglectful Parent, the Timid Parent, the Overbearing Parent, and the Stressed Parent. At different times, we might embody a mix of these traits. However, the most challenging type to become is the Difficult Parent.
The key to steering clear of this path is recognizing that you might slip into being a Difficult Parent at times. While I don’t have all the answers for being the perfect parent, I do know how to avoid the pitfalls of being a Difficult Parent—having experienced this myself, and likely will again in the future.
1. Don’t Automatically Assume Your Child is Always Right
From the early days when your child starts crawling, they begin to dabble in the art of deception. Will fibbing about disliking lima beans spare them from eating them? Will pretending to be sick, by placing a thermometer under a lamp to fake a high fever, keep them home from school? As they grow, their fabrications tend to become more complex and consequential. Most lies stem from fear—fear of the repercussions of their actions.
One of your toughest tasks as a parent will be to differentiate between lies and the truth. You don’t want to undermine your child’s confidence by doubting everything they say, yet you also don’t want to be naive and think they’re incapable of lying. Strive to gather all necessary information before concluding. You will make mistakes—often. Accepting that you won’t always get it right is part of being a good parent. Remember, your child is not flawed for lying, nor are you for being their parent. Focus on your own journey, rather than worrying about what other parents think, as that can lead you to become a Difficult Parent.
2. Don’t Link Your Child’s Successes to Your Parenting Value
Parenthood is often described as a thankless role, and for good reason. While it may feel disheartening at times, it’s crucial to remember that parenting is not about you. Seeking validation through your child’s achievements can lead to confusion and unrealistic expectations.
It’s natural to feel a sense of pride in your child’s accomplishments, as they reflect the influence you’ve had. However, it’s essential to understand that their successes are theirs alone, not a reflection of your worth as a parent. If you take credit for their triumphs, you must also accept responsibility for their failures—but who wants to do that? Celebrate their victories without using them as trophies to boost your self-esteem. Otherwise, you risk sliding into Difficult Parent territory.
3. Avoid Interfering in Your Child’s Conflicts
As your child interacts with peers, drama is inevitable—hurt feelings, name-calling, bullying, and breakups will arise. Your role as a parent should be to offer support rather than to meddle. Be there for your child without diving headfirst into their problems.
Think of conflicts as air in a balloon; the more people involved, the more pressure builds. While some conflicts may escalate, your goal should be to help deflate the situation, not inflate it further with your involvement. Once you start contacting other parents with accusations or threats, you cross into the realm of being a Difficult Parent.
4. Don’t See Your Child’s Behavior as a Reflection of Your Worth
Your child is a unique individual, and while they are part of you, their actions do not define you. Once they venture beyond your watchful eye, they will encounter experiences and challenges outside your control. Remember, their choices—whether they cheat on a test or engage in risky behavior—are their own.
Though their actions may affect how others perceive you, don’t let that define your parenting journey. Ultimately, your role is to nurture them into independent, thoughtful individuals, not to maintain a perfect public image. When you prioritize reputation over genuine parenting, you risk becoming a Difficult Parent.
5. Don’t Seek Your Child’s Affection or Validation
The rewards of parenting are often intangible and fleeting, which may tempt you to look for affirmation from your child. However, trying to earn their love can lead to resentment. You cannot control someone’s feelings, even your own child’s. There will be moments of conflict and discord, which are part of any close relationship.
If you start seeking your child’s love and approval, you may find yourself compromising your authority and judgment, ultimately transforming into a Difficult Parent.
6. Don’t View Parenthood as a Fruitless Endeavor
Whether you’re currently a parent or hope to be one, the experience can feel relentless and overwhelming. The key lies in your expectations. Parenthood will not boost your self-worth, nor validate your character if you depend on your child for fulfillment.
Parenting is unlike any other role in life. Its value isn’t measured like a career or a hobby. Within the challenges of raising a child, including all the struggles and joys, lies the profound reward of being part of their journey. Embrace the process of parenting as an opportunity to contribute to their life story and yours.
In summary, to avoid becoming a Difficult Parent, focus on maintaining a balanced perspective on your child’s behavior, understanding your role as a guide rather than a controller, and recognizing the independence of your child. Parenting is about growth—both theirs and yours.
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