I’m feeling unwell. I should be resting, but sleep is elusive. My partner, Jake, enters the room to comfort me while our kids (who are also under the weather) wreak havoc on a cherished family item. “You really should try to sleep,” he suggests. “You’ll feel better if you do.”
I shove his arm away and toss the blankets aside. “I can’t sleep. I keep fixating on those socks I ordered.”
He looks confused. “The socks?”
“The knee-high ones I bought for the boys online. They keep popping into my mind, and I feel these waves of anxiety. Every time a lyric from that musical I love comes to me, it sends me spiraling into panic. It happens every five minutes!”
“But you enjoy that musical!”
“Logic doesn’t apply here. I might need some legally prescribed Xanax.”
This is generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), often simply referred to as “an anxiety disorder.” With GAD, you find yourself fretting about virtually anything. Sometimes it’s social situations; other times, it’s worrying about traffic fatalities, global health crises, or even the decline of bee populations. Sometimes, the worries are mundane.
You might irrationally fear that your car won’t start in the morning. Sure, it’s happened before, maybe two years ago. You know you could call for help if the battery dies again, but that doesn’t ease your mind. Approaching your vehicle feels like a daunting task. You hold your breath until the engine roars to life, the dashboard lights flicker on, and the battery gauge rises. This relief is crucial because you need to get the kids to school. And yet, this same anxiety recurs every single morning.
Then there are moments when you dread being the first parent to arrive at a playdate. Why? You know the other moms will eventually show up. You don’t want to be late, especially since it feels impolite, so you leave early. But not early enough to swing by your favorite coffee shop. You anticipate sitting alone for at least fifteen minutes before someone else arrives. What will your kids do without other kids? And what will you do without adults to talk to? You don’t want to be glued to your phone, but the thought of pushing them on the swings feels equally unappealing (let’s be real: no one truly enjoys that).
You can watch them play, but what if something goes wrong? What if an unsavory character appears? You should’ve taken the dog along. He’s big and intimidating, and while you know you’ll arrive at the park, let the kids out, and eventually connect with your mom friends, the thought of those silent moments sends your anxiety into overdrive for no clear reason.
Your worries extend to your children’s well-being. You fret they have too many toys, fearing it might stifle their creativity. But if you remove some, what if they resent you? Isn’t it disrespectful to take away their belongings? You also worry they watch too much TV and how that might affect their imagination. Yet, when you see them engrossed in a show instead of playing outside, you know a detox is necessary but struggle to muster the energy to enforce it. You feel uneasy about the dogs stealing their snacks, and you worry they might grow up to prefer cats. You’re concerned they don’t spend enough time outdoors. You fret that someone will notice mismatched socks or a stain on their shirt, or that you forgot to wipe the peanut butter off their faces. For someone with GAD, children become adorable yet terrifying sources of anxiety.
Then there’s the inexplicable fear of laundry baskets. They sit in my kitchen, and yes, you can judge me if you want, but they torment me with their overflowing contents. It takes ten laundry baskets and a legally prescribed Klonopin for me to sort through them. When I finally do, I leave clean clothes piled in front of my kids’ drawers because I just can’t find the time to fold them. I worry about what others think, particularly the babysitter. I often try to joke about it: “I’m too busy doing art with the kids to fold laundry,” even though we’ve only managed to toss one pot this week. Now I’m anxious that you might think I’m lying to the babysitter.
Ah, the babysitter. The dread that comes with hiring one is something only those with GAD can truly grasp. First, there’s the fear that she’ll deem your house a disaster zone. So, you feel compelled to clean everything, especially the bathrooms, thanks to little boys and their aim. You plead with her to make the kids tidy up, recalling the one time they didn’t, and you returned home to tears. When you finally leave, you can’t help but pray she keeps them safe and knows how to handle emergencies.
Living with GAD means being excessively fearful of both rational concerns (like car accidents) and absurd ones (like laundry). Don’t attempt to rationalize our fears—we’re not in a position to change how we feel. If we could turn off this anxiety, we would. No amount of reasoning can convince us that laundry baskets aren’t a source of dread or that the babysitter will be just fine. We simply have to navigate our fears, one anxious thought at a time.
For many of us, medication is beneficial. So is therapy and a comforting hug. As terrifying as our emotions can be, it helps to have someone willing to share that space with us. You don’t need to fully understand our struggles; just being present can make a difference. And perhaps, lend a hand with the laundry.
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Summary
Living with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) involves constant worry about various aspects of life, ranging from mundane tasks like laundry to more significant concerns about family and safety. Individuals with GAD often find themselves in a cycle of panic and fear, struggling with rationalizing their emotions. Support from loved ones, therapy, and medication can help manage these feelings, making daily life more bearable.