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Dear Children,
It’s time we had a little chat about our family dynamics. Let’s face it, we might be a bit eccentric, and perhaps we share too much with strangers. While we’re probably just as normal as everyone else, it seems other families have taught their kids about timing and appropriateness when it comes to conversation topics. I came to this realization during our recent visit to that restaurant when the hostess handed us the pager, and one of you gleefully exclaimed, “It’s my turn to hold the vibrator!” At that moment, I knew we needed to discuss our family’s public behavior.
Now, I sincerely hope you don’t know what a vibrator is yet. You meant no harm; you just enjoy the sensation of the pager. This also brings to mind that we should refrain from putting such devices under our clothing—who knows where they’ve been?
Going forward, let’s aim to keep our voices down. It would be fantastic if we could avoid shouting in public places. I’d appreciate it if we could practice a bit of discretion and only speak when we truly understand the topic at hand. This could save your mother from feeling the urge to hide in a corner out of embarrassment.
I know how excited you get about new toothbrushes since I constantly remind you to brush your little teeth, but if I need to rush to the restroom after our shopping trip, it’s really not the best time to whip out your new toothbrush and start brushing in the water fountain, especially after I’ve asked you to wait on the bench. Following directions is always the right choice—always.
I chuckled the other day when you announced you had to take a “Trump dump” as you made your way to the bathroom for what seemed like an eternity. However, when I asked you not to repeat it, I meant it, even if I struggled to hold back laughter. Your comedic timing was amusing, but bringing that up again while guests were over for dinner? Not cool. Let’s keep some things private; I’d like to host friends again without the added embarrassment.
It was also a bit shocking when you barged in on me last year while I was crying and taking a pregnancy test. I explained the situation, and frankly, nobody wants to hear that story again. Everything turned out fine, but let’s leave that moment in the past. And please, no more entering the bathroom when someone’s already inside.
A few months later, when Dad was moaning on the sofa after a procedure, and you compared it to our puppy’s neutering, I thought you understood. But hearing you tell people that Daddy “got his balls chopped off” was a little too much information. If it involves private parts, please consult with me or Dad before sharing with the world, especially not in the grocery store aisle.
While I appreciate your new way of expressing frustration by hissing at one another, let’s not extend that to adults, especially your teachers.
Your time of using childhood innocence as an excuse to share inappropriate details is over. Let’s work on being more appropriate and politically correct. Keeping our family’s quirks within our four walls is perfectly fine. Trust me, if we can manage this, we’ll likely get invited to more gatherings, which could be more fun than embarrassing me in public. Plus, it means less yelling from me and potentially fewer trips to the liquor store.
I know we can do this.
Love,
Mom
P.S. For more insights on family planning and home insemination, feel free to check out this resource. You might also find valuable information at Make a Mom and News Medical.
Summary
This letter humorously addresses the need for children to be more mindful of what they say in public, emphasizing the importance of discretion while maintaining the family’s quirky charm. It suggests that keeping family matters private could lead to more social opportunities and less embarrassment.