My backside gets homesick.
As soon as I step out for a trip, lock my front door, and settle into the car, taxi, or airplane, my behind is like, “Nope. I miss home. I miss my toilet. This door won’t budge again until I’m back on my own throne, thank you very much.” I suffer from a case of Travel Constipation.
I can’t go when I’m on the road.
Maybe it’s a nervous thing? It’s like a counter-twitch because there’s definitely no action happening down there. Some travelers experience the opposite effect, where their anxiety triggers an urgent need for relief. But for me? It’s a complete standstill. I literally can’t drop the kids off at the pool.
And it’s not from lack of trying. I attempt various strategies. I perch and take deep breaths, run the shower hoping the steam will relax me, and even play soothing music like Enya, thinking it might just coax my bowels into action. I even haul my suitcase into the bathroom as a makeshift squatty potty and give my rear end a motivational speech.
But nothing works. Once I’m away from home, my sphincter feels like Fort Knox.
On the bright side, this condition spares me from awkward moments in public restrooms, waiting for everyone to leave so I can go in peace. There are no frantic “Excuse me!” moments when I feel like an explosion is imminent. Plus, I don’t have to worry about stinking up my hotel room, which my travel buddies appreciate. And I can wear thongs all day long since no poop means no potential skid marks. So there are some perks to my unfortunate predicament.
However, not being able to go brings a lot of discomfort— and I mean a lot.
For one, I can’t eat as much because the thought of adding more matter to my already congested system makes me queasy. Is there anything better than indulging in delicious meals while traveling? Additionally, the bloating makes my clothes fit uncomfortably, which definitely puts me in a sour mood.
And let’s not overlook the gas. Even though my backside is trying to stay tightly sealed, eventually something has to give, and it can clear a room in no time. Holding it in is just mortifying.
It’s incredibly tough to enjoy myself when I feel the urge to go but simply can’t. On the outside, I appear to be a cheerful, normal person who can easily take care of business. Yes! Traveling is amazing! I’m just like everyone else—enjoying my morning coffee! But inside, I’m just a blocked-up gal dreaming of some stool softener for a little relief.
And every trip concludes the same way. I unlock my front door, and my bottom shouts “freedom!” off I dash to the porcelain throne with a gas mask and a good book because believe me, I’m gonna be in there for a while.
If you spot me out and about, I might seem restless and uncomfortable, maybe even like I’m not fond of you. Trust me, it’s nothing personal, and I don’t have a stick up my butt. It’s just poop.
This article was originally published on May 22, 2017.
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Summary
Traveling often leads to a humorous struggle with constipation for many, as the comfort of home is hard to replicate. While it can spare embarrassing moments in public restrooms, the discomfort and gas can be overwhelming. Ultimately, once travelers return home, relief awaits.