I Won’t ‘Toughen Up’ My Kids for the Real World

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A few weeks ago, my son Ethan went on a field trip to our state’s museum. When I arrived to pick him up, his teacher took me aside to share a touching moment: during the trip, the children were given stone shards to carve into arrowheads. Ethan received a particularly large piece, and the girl next to him expressed her hope that there would be another big rock available for her. Without a moment’s hesitation, my son handed over his shard to her.

I share this story not only to celebrate Ethan’s generosity but also to highlight the kind of child I am raising. He frequently seizes opportunities to show compassion and understanding, always eager to share and uplift others. He wanted his friend to have a memorable gift, even if it meant sacrificing his own. There’s a good chance that this act of kindness will inspire her to do the same one day.

Ethan is naturally empathetic and sensitive, and yes, he sometimes struggles to articulate his feelings. For some, this may signal that he’s too soft and in need of tough love to prepare for life’s challenges. However, I firmly reject that notion. I refuse to harden him in order to face a difficult world.

As a child, I was often told to toughen up, to remain silent about significant issues. Many of us have faced similar experiences where our feelings were dismissed, leaving us with a sense of discomfort. It’s vital for me to foster a different conversation with my kids. I’m not advocating for them to wallow in minor grievances—like being upset over not getting the biggest slice of cake—but rather to allow them the freedom to express a full range of emotions. This includes sadness, happiness, anger, and excitement. I believe in confronting our feelings and processing them in healthy ways. Suppressing emotions can lead to resentment and bigger issues down the line.

We have the power to raise children who are compassionate and caring. By demonstrating kindness through our actions—like volunteering, donating, or even buying lunch for someone in need—we teach our kids that expressing their feelings is not a weakness. They notice when we tell them to toughen up or dismiss their concerns, and these messages can shape their emotional responses.

When they come to us with problems, regardless of how trivial we perceive them, the best response is to validate their feelings and help them navigate their struggles. Providing a safe space for emotional expression allows them to deal with their feelings rather than repressing them. The more we encourage our kids to engage with their emotions, the better they become at managing them.

Our children will undoubtedly experience pain and challenges—that’s one of the hardest aspects of parenthood. I want Ethan and his sister to learn how to cope with these situations constructively. I will never teach them that they should “toughen up” and endure hardships without flinching. Such an approach sends the message that their feelings are shameful, which can lead to unhealthy emotional patterns later in life.

If children are raised to suppress their emotions, they may struggle to empathize with others, lacking the tools to understand someone else’s pain. This diminishes their capacity for compassion. When we nurture kids who are willing to share love and kindness, who genuinely care about the feelings of others because they have been cared for themselves, we give the world a precious gift. It all starts with small acts, like letting the child next to you take the larger arrowhead.

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In summary, I believe in raising children who are emotionally aware and compassionate, rather than toughening them up for a harsh world. It is essential for their growth and for fostering a kinder society.