I’ve never been inclined to support the “cry it out” method. It simply doesn’t resonate with my parenting style or personality. I have friends who swear by it, but for my family, it’s not a viable option.
So what does one do instead? The media rarely portrays alternative approaches like mine. I recall watching the show Mad About You during college. Paul and Jamie sat outside their baby’s room while she cried. Jamie was torn, wanting to comfort her daughter, yet they remained in the hallway embracing each other. Even then, I thought it was absurd—why not go in and soothe the child? What harm could it cause? At 22, I was blissfully unaware of my future, but I knew that leaving my baby to cry was not something I could ever accept.
In my home, sleep looks quite different. My children typically don’t sleep through the night until they’re around 2 years old. There are nights when one, two, or even all four of them end up in our bed. Yes, there are sleepless nights, but there are also nights when everyone but the baby sleeps soundly in their own beds.
I co-sleep with my little ones until they’re about 15 to 18 months old. That’s when they are weaned from nighttime nursing and transition to sharing a room with a sibling. Here’s how it unfolds: I nurse the baby or toddler, and then my partner, Mike, takes over. He stays with the little one until they drift off, which can take hours initially. Gradually, he learns to exit the room after just a song, a kiss, and a goodnight. This gentle process can take up to two months, but it works for us. Until then, we continue the nighttime nursing routine.
People often ask why I shy away from the “cry it out” method. The answer is simple: I believe it’s unhealthy for children. In the first two years, children learn to trust, and leaving them alone in a dark room to “self-soothe” teaches them the opposite. Imagine if someone did that to you—put you in a room and left you there for hours, regardless of how upset you became.
When I was expecting my second child, I came across an article titled “Crying for Comfort” by Althea Soltera in Mothering Magazine. It struck a chord: “…there is no doubt that repeated lack of responsiveness to a baby’s cries—even for only five minutes at a time—is potentially damaging to the baby’s mental health.” Babies left to cry may struggle to develop trust and self-worth, which could lead to chronic anxiety later on. This approach undermines the essential foundation of secure attachment, which relies on immediate and sensitive responses in the first year.
Moreover, I believe there’s a biological reason mothers find it so hard to hear their babies cry—it feels unnatural. Our instincts drive us to protect our young, and separating from them goes against these primal urges.
Another reason I choose not to let my babies cry it out is that I view parenting as a 24/7 commitment, including nighttime care. Some argue that if a mom isn’t well-rested, no one is happy. While there’s truth to that, parenting is about being there for my children, even when it means sacrificing sleep. I know there will come a time when I can enjoy more than five hours of sleep at a stretch, but that time just isn’t now.
I won’t pretend I haven’t been tempted to “Ferberize” my kids—there are moments when exhaustion makes me long for one of those mythical babies that sleep through the night by six months. However, I recognize that such an approach comes with a cost, one I’m unwilling to pay.
So, I choose not to let my babies cry it out. I don’t ignore their cries, even if it means sporting dark circles under my eyes for the next couple of years. In the long run, I believe this approach will pay off.
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Summary:
This article explores the author’s personal approach to nighttime parenting and the reasons behind her decision to avoid the “cry it out” method. By nurturing her children through gentle sleep routines, she emphasizes the importance of trust and secure attachment during the early years of life.