How to Rouse a Tween Boy for School

1. About five minutes before heading to his room, mentally prepare yourself for the morning mission ahead.
2. Take a moment to sip your coffee, letting its warmth settle in as you brace yourself for the sights and smells that await you.
3. Stepping on a stray Lego, hold back a yelp to avoid waking the entire neighborhood.
4. Breathe deeply.
5. Slowly open the door, trying not to look at the pile of clothes that have somehow turned into a mountain since yesterday.
6. Shake your head at the odor that resembles a mix of old socks, Axe body spray, and something best left unnamed.
7. Focus solely on your boy’s face, as he may be displaying what can only be described as the “Al Bundy pose.”
8. Gently touch his arm and say, “Hey buddy, it’s time to wake up”—because at home, it’s still okay to use those affectionate terms.
9. Try to interpret the grunts and mumblings that escape his lips.
10. Repeat step eight.
11. Tug his covers off.
12. Whisper to yourself about how you never imagined you’d be cursing a child still in bed.
13. Repeat step eight.
14. Remind him that if he doesn’t get up, he’ll miss out on brushing his teeth.
15. Recognize that he’s not particularly concerned about oral hygiene.
16. Firmly instruct him to get up and let him know you can’t linger in the room.
17. Return to the kitchen, unload the dishwasher, and realize he’s still snoozing.
18. Go through steps one to nine again.
19. Answer his question about why he “has to go” for the umpteenth time this year.
20. Tell him that skipping breakfast is a real possibility if he doesn’t wake up.
21. Watch him slowly crawl out of bed.
22. Smile triumphantly, knowing you’ve accomplished something and leave the room.
23. After 15 minutes of silence from his room, revisit steps one through four.
24. Stifle a gag as the awful smell greets you at the door once more.
25. Find him sitting on the floor, staring blankly into his closet like a confused pig at a wristwatch.
26. Beg him to just put on some clothes—matching is not necessary!
27. Reminisce about the days when Garanimals and Gymboree made dressing easy.
28. Snap back to the reality of wrinkled clothes and dirty socks (if you’re lucky).
29. Issue one final warning.
30. Leave the room, resigned to whatever attire he chooses to wear.
31. Prepare his breakfast.
32. Call for him softly, trying not to disturb the younger sibling still asleep.
33. Repeat step 32.
34. Repeat step 32.
35. Repeat step 32.
36. Greet him as he finally makes his way to the kitchen.
37. Politely ask him five times to sit down and use his fork.
38. Suggest he might want to change into something that wasn’t stuffed into a sandwich bag.
39. Listen as he shares stories about the 8th-grade cheerleaders who keep hugging him.
40. Mental curse those girls and their mothers for good measure.
41. Grab the broom, realizing his breakfast habits haven’t improved since his booster seat days.
42. Remind him once again to brush his teeth.
43. Pack the last of his books into his backpack, puzzled by the rocks he insists on carrying.
44. Ask him if he’s brushed his teeth.
45. Cap the juice he carelessly left out on the counter.
46. Clean up the mess he made.
47. Ask if he’s brushed his teeth again.
48. Quiz him on the two study guide questions he got wrong last night.
49. Tell him you know he hasn’t brushed.
50. Give him a quick lecture on dental hygiene and direct him toward the door.
51. Repeat three more times what he needs to take with him.
52. Pick up a couple of those items he forgot and head toward the door.
53. Focus on the bright side; he still relies on you for something.
54. Pat yourself on the back as he finally steps onto the porch. Success! The tween boy has exited the building!

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Summary

Waking a tween boy for school can be a hilarious and chaotic adventure, filled with unique challenges that every parent of a young boy understands. From navigating the smells of teenage boyhood to ensuring he’s dressed and fed, it’s a journey of patience and persistence, often filled with amusing moments.