It was the rage that truly unsettled me. I anticipated feelings of sadness, frustration, and gloom during my postpartum journey, which did visit me often. But rage? That was an unwelcome surprise I never thought I’d experience with postpartum depression (PPD). However, this intense emotion ultimately pushed me to seek help.
About five weeks after my second daughter, Lily, entered the world, my partner sensed my struggles. To lift my spirits, he surprised me with a half-day at a nearby spa. I was ecstatic at the thought of a manicure, facial, and massage, all while enjoying a few precious hours away from my baby and toddler. Pure bliss!
Yet, when I returned home, I could hear Lily’s cries echoing from the basement. Instantly, my body tensed, and the relaxation I’d just experienced vanished. My husband informed me that Lily had barely eaten while I was away, only sipping a bit of milk from a bottle before refusing it entirely. Little did I know, that would be the last time she ever accepted a bottle.
From that moment, I began to feel an unsettling rage building within me. I felt caged by my colicky baby who wouldn’t sleep and refused bottles, and I was exasperated with my toddler, Mia, who seemed to be in a constant state of tantrum. I found myself questioning my choice to leave a stable writing job for sporadic freelance opportunities.
Every day brought a mix of emotions—overwhelm, sadness, anxiety, and anger. Then came the evening when I lost control during one of Mia’s meltdowns. The words that spilled from my mouth were frightening, and though I had the urge to lash out, I thankfully held back. The intensity of the rage I felt was surreal, almost as if it belonged to someone else. Fortunately, my partner was there to step in and help diffuse the situation. I felt physically sick when I recalled my behavior and what could have happened. It was a terrifying experience.
The next day, I reached out to both my primary care physician and my OB-GYN. Together, they prescribed Zoloft and connected me with a therapist. Remarkably, I felt better within days; the pervasive sadness and anxiety began to lift alongside the medication. However, the rage required more attention. While Zoloft helped, it was the therapy that truly made a difference.
Fast forward four years, and I’m still navigating my mental health journey. The PPD gradually improved but transformed into another type of depression after the unexpected loss of my father. Now, I’m not entirely sure what I’m dealing with, but I continue to face it.
The rage, however, still lingers. It remains the most challenging aspect to manage and, from my experience, one of the least discussed symptoms of depression. This is why I’m sharing my story. If you’re a mom experiencing PPD, depression, or the accompanying rage, know that you’re not alone. You are not a bad parent, and things can improve if you seek help. Being a mom often means facing tough challenges, and one of the hardest is asking for the support you need. That first phone call for help was daunting for me, but it was pivotal.
I’ve come to realize that depression can affect anyone, and feelings of rage do not define my worth as a mother. With the right medication, therapy, and healthier lifestyle choices, I’ve gradually rediscovered myself. Yes, I’m still in the fight against depression, sadness, and rage, but I finally feel like I’m gaining ground.
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Summary:
Rage can be an unexpected and frightening symptom of postpartum depression, often overlooked in discussions about maternal mental health. Jamie’s experience highlights the importance of seeking help and understanding that these feelings do not define one’s abilities as a parent. With the right support, recovery is possible, and many mothers find a path to healing.