When my daughter turned three, her Grandma, her Aunt, and her Great-Grandma teamed up to gift her a pink wonderland. The package included a tiny doll, a matching diaper bag, and even a mini diaper for the baby. Among the treasures were also some princess-themed items: a tiara, a necklace, a wand (was she a princess or a fairy? The distinction is minor), clip-on earrings, an elegant dress, and, of course, her very first pair of high heels.
I watched in disbelief as my little one stumbled across the room in her new heels. She was beaming, filled with the joy of birthday celebrations, surrounded by attention and gifts. Or perhaps it was the allure of her new heels, purse, tiara, and jewelry that made her so thrilled.
In the age-old debate of nature versus nurture, I firmly advocate for the latter. I’m convinced that girls are conditioned to love pink princesses from a young age, and by the age of three, these preferences are deeply entrenched. Tell a little girl that boys can play with dolls, and she’ll think you’re joking. Conversely, tell a boy that the Cars stickers in the goody bag are for his sister, and he’ll know you’re being playful. We instill these beliefs from their very first moments, and when they act according to what we’ve taught them, we confidently declare, “See? Girls ARE different from boys! It’s just nature.”
Don’t misunderstand me: I genuinely think girls learn to enjoy pink and aren’t inherently drawn to tea parties. Yet, I wasn’t overly concerned. My daughter looked happy in her high heels, and that was what truly mattered at that moment. Just look at her sharing a delightful moment with Great-Grandma, dressing up her new doll.
A few days later, I decided to gently talk to Grandma about this. “It’s fine to get her the pink princess items,” I suggested, “but she also needs some balance. If you’re buying her pink things, why not consider some non-pink items too? Just to show her there’s more to life than dolls and tiaras.”
I thought I was being reasonable until Grandma replied, “I get her these things to balance your time with her.” At first, I felt a bit defensive, but then it dawned on me that her logic was sound. As a stay-at-home dad, my daughter spends most of her day with me, engaging in activities like basketball, soccer, hiking, and building with Lego. There’s nothing overtly “girly” about her playtime with me. I’ve never even put her in a dress during our morning routines. It wasn’t intentional; I don’t aim to impose restrictions on her identity. I enjoy playing soccer, and her gender shouldn’t dictate our activities.
This realization was enlightening. Perhaps the pink items aren’t something I should resist but rather embrace, as challenging as it may be, to maintain the balance I desire for her. When she struts around with her little purse like she’s a celebrity, maybe I can take a step back and appreciate her self-expression. Once she tires of her fashion parade, I can toss her a plastic ball and relish in her laughter as she tumbles, gets up, and kicks it back to me.
Speaking of balance, for her birthday cake, we asked what she wanted, and she replied, “Princess.” We agreed but insisted on including something else for balance. This is how we ended up with a cake that embodied my girl, the sometimes-princess.
This article was originally published on May 28, 2011.
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In summary, it’s important to recognize the balance between societal influences and personal choices in our children’s lives. As a father, I strive to encourage my daughter’s interests while also allowing her the freedom to explore various aspects of her identity.