Dear boys,
I want to start by saying how proud I am to be your parent. Truly, having four energetic sons like you is a joy, not a burden. Each of you brings cleverness and kindness into our lives, filling my heart with a happiness I can’t express fully.
However, I need you to hear me out. Your penchant for chaos has pushed me to the brink of my patience. To cope, I’ve conjured up an imaginary retreat—a cozy cottage, if you will, where I’ve designed a perfect world in my mind. Picture this: a charming white cottage overlooking the ocean, surrounded by swaying grasses and blooming wildflowers, with a pristine white picket fence. Here, there are no toys strewn about, no NERF darts to be found—just the soothing sound of waves and the gentle rustle of leaves.
It’s a sanctuary I escape to every time your antics destroy another piece of our home. In this mental getaway, the colors are warm, the furniture is immaculate, and my books are untouched. Books are quiet, and I find great importance in their silence.
But then reality hits me like a tidal wave. I open my eyes to discover a flood of toilet water cascading down the hallway—all thanks to your little adventure involving a deceased squirrel and yesterday’s underwear.
And just so you know, Mama is keeping track of all your mischief for future reference. Here’s a gentle warning:
Stop it. Or else.
One day, when you have your own place, I might just show up with a big smile, a warm hug, and a plate of your favorite cookies. You’ll think it’s all in good fun, but while you’re enjoying your treats, I’ll be up to no good—I might just pour something unpleasant into your favorite shoes. The best part? You’ll be left wondering about that strange smell until you slip them on for a meeting the next day.
I could take it a step further, like dismantling your lawn mower and using the blade to chop down your cherished tree. I might even boil a roadkill possum in your favorite cooking pot, just to leave you with a fun surprise. Your electronic devices? Consider them fair game. I can assure you that your iPad won’t survive my visit unscathed.
And while you’re busy picking up the pieces from a shattered TV screen, I’ll be leaving little surprises like jelly handprints on your couch and a stick of butter in your washing machine. Don’t worry, I’ll also make sure to hide all the batteries from your gadgets, dropping them into your fish tank for good measure.
But wait, my antics don’t stop at daylight. Oh no! Mama might decide to spend the night. As you dream peacefully, I’ll be downstairs with a hot iron, just long enough to ruin your new hardwood floors without triggering the smoke alarm. I could unstuff your couch cushions, pour sugar into your DVD player, and even hide a loaded turkey sandwich in your winter coat pocket. By the time you wake up, you’ll find that I’ve left my mark everywhere, from VapoRub on your counters to ripped pages from your books.
You may think, “At least my car is safe!” Not quite. I might have given it a little love tap with a garden trowel, and you can count on it being on empty after I siphoned the gas.
Now, dear boys, let me remind you of something important. No matter what chaos you bring into our home or how many things you break, my love for you is unwavering. You could set our house ablaze, and I would still be proud to be your mother.
But just know, it will go on the list.
With all my love,
Mom
P.S. Those cookies? I may have licked them. Just a little.
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Summary:
In this humorous letter to her sons, a mother expresses her love while addressing the chaos they create in their home. Using exaggerated scenarios, she illustrates the lengths she might go to in a playful, imaginary revenge for their antics. Despite the humor, her unconditional love is evident, showing that no amount of mess or destruction can change her feelings for them.