Parenting
By: Jamie Collins
Updated: Oct. 29, 2020
Originally Published: April 1, 2012
Finding time to connect with your best friend after the arrival of your little one can feel like a Herculean task, especially when you’re juggling the demands of a tiny, insatiable bundle of joy. Yet, your friendship matters, so you muster up the energy to pull yourself together for some quality time with your loyal BFF, baby in tow. It’s a delightful reunion; she even takes the baby for a bit so you can enjoy a long-awaited shower.
Oh, how you’ve missed chatting with an adult! You might doze off for a moment while she recounts her latest escapade with a not-so-great date, but how refreshing it is to finally share the joys and struggles of new motherhood, like the burning sensation from your postpartum stitches. And you’re surprisingly comfortable whipping out your enormous, swollen breast to feed your wailing baby while your BFF watches in awe.
But why doesn’t she reach out as often as before?
The Conversation Shift
Suddenly, topics like poop become commonplace. After having a baby, discussing your child’s bowel movements—its color, consistency, odor—turns into a bonding experience. It’s like a science project, but way more personal! Even though my kids are now seven and three, I can’t seem to shake off the “poop talk” phase. I understand that my friend without kids might not find the humor in catching baby poop in my hand rather than scrubbing the carpet, so I keep it PG and quickly pivot to inquiries about her work or love life before she’s overwhelmed.
And let’s talk about nipples. Remember when the mere mention of the word made you cringe? Now, all you want to do is share how chafed and sore they are, or how your baby’s latch feels like a tiny vice grip. If your BFF actually enjoys these discussions, she’s a true gem and deserves a special treat—perhaps a shiny new car! But let’s be real; most of your childless friends would prefer to skip the nipple chat.
Topics to Tread Lightly On
Be cautious with these subjects:
- Vomit/spit-up (especially avoid that tale of baby airplane antics gone wrong)
- Your vagina (the aftermath of childbirth and all its gory details)
- Your butt (from tearing to postpartum constipation)
- That time your partner tried your breast milk and gave it a thumbs up.
Some of these conversations should be avoided for their sheer grossness; others might frighten your BFF into making drastic life choices before she’s ready.
Now that you’re left wondering how to keep the conversation alive without scaring her away, here are some ideas:
- Ask about her life. Show genuine interest in her experiences, even if you’re tempted to nod off. Her relationship troubles may seem trivial compared to your new reality, but remember, she needs to navigate her path just as you did. Stay engaged!
- Revisit shared memories. Talk about the fun adventures you had before baby took over your life. Reliving those moments can bring laughter back into your friendship and distract you from your new normal.
- Discuss your baby—within limits. If your BFF is as wonderful as mine, she’ll naturally want to know about your little one. Just steer clear of any talk about poop, vomit, or other unpleasantries.
Your hangout spots may change (say goodbye to your old clubbing outfits), but the essence of your friendship can remain strong. As new moms, we need to remember that we’ve been in their shoes; they haven’t walked in ours. Our job is to empathize and understand that our friends might not be as thrilled to hear about every grim detail of motherhood.
In chatting with my BFF about this post, it became clear that over our two-decade friendship, the changes in our lives haven’t diminished our bond. Somehow, we’ve allowed our friendship to flourish outside the confines of motherhood, and I’m not entirely sure how we achieved that.
But, I do know this: she’s one of those rare souls who doesn’t mind a good poop story. No wonder I treasure her so much!