I’ve always had a knack for hunting down great deals. A few years back, when a local pharmacy announced its closing sale, my partner and I couldn’t resist checking it out. To our astonishment, it was their last day, and everything was 90% off. Better yet, there was a “big bag” option for just five dollars, allowing you to stuff as much as you could fit inside. We’re definitely the big bag type.
With ten bucks in hand, we dashed toward the drug aisle. But instead of our usual staples like Pepto or Tylenol, we found only a massive jug of milk of magnesia. “We don’t even use that,” my partner, Jake, said. “Come on, it’s practically free!” I insisted, tossing it in our bag.
Next, we moved to skin and hair care, only to find a barren shelf. But then, like a mirage in a desert, an entire display of Coppertone sunblock beckoned me. “How did people overlook this?” I mused, grabbing about twenty bottles. “This stuff is pricey!”
As we turned the corner, a massive rack of Chiquita banana slicers caught our eye. “Who even thought these were a good idea?” I wondered. “That’s absurd,” Jake replied. “It’s more trouble to clean that thing than to just use a knife.” Naturally, we snagged a dozen.
Suddenly, the loudspeaker blared, “Ladies and gentlemen, there are five minutes left!” Panic set in, and we split up to maximize our haul. Jake sprinted to foot care, while I raced to the beauty aisle. All that remained were used lipsticks and bizarre eye shadows. I quickly shifted my focus to greeting cards.
Crowded shoppers were grabbing anything in sight, and I joined in, not bothering to read any of the cards. If they came with matching envelopes, they were mine! Then I spotted some colorful book covers adorned with funky designs. “How did I miss these?” I thought, likely letting out a giddy laugh while loading up on forty packs.
Returning to our car, we erupted in laughter as we examined our spoils. “Uh, Jake, seven packages of corn remover blades? We don’t even have corns!” I exclaimed. “And did we really need this kidney disease test kit?” he replied, chuckling. Our bags were filled with items even Goodwill would hesitate to accept—light bulbs for appliances we didn’t own, greeting cards with cheesy captions, and over $100 worth of sunblock—far more than we could ever use.
Then Jake spotted the book covers and raised an eyebrow. “What do you plan to do with those?” he asked. “I thought we could hand them out on Halloween,” I suggested. “Kids want candy, not book covers,” he countered. “We’re giving them candy too,” I retorted. “This is just an extra treat!”
I couldn’t wait to prove him wrong. I envisioned the excited faces of the kids. Halloween night arrived, and I set up shop by the door. The first trick-or-treaters rang the bell, and I showered them with praise for their costumes, a handful of chocolates, and a package of book covers. Not a single child said “thank you.” “This generation has no manners,” I thought.
A second group arrived—Buzz Lightyear, Tinkerbell, and Shrek. I gave them my best candy, the good stuff, along with the book covers. Their reactions were nonexistent. Tinkerbell looked at me as if I’d handed her a scrub pad, while Buzz shot me a dirty look.
The same scene unfolded repeatedly until an eight-year-old Batman and a six-year-old cop showed up. I handed them chocolate and added the book covers to their bags. “She must be trying to get rid of these,” Batman whispered to his friend. “I am not!” I shot back. “I bought these for you! Look at all the candy I gave you!”
Jake overheard and said, “You’re arguing with trick-or-treaters?” as he closed the door behind them. “I gave them candy! It was just something extra,” I protested, feeling slightly defeated. “You’re lucky we didn’t have eggs thrown at our house,” Jake said.
It baffled me. I would have loved the book covers! Most people give out the same boring treats—penny candies and cheesy erasers. To this day, I err on the side of caution with Milky Ways and Butterfingers. But if Batman ever crosses my path again, I’ve got a banana slicer ready for him.
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Summary
In this humorous recounting of a last-minute pharmacy sale, the author and her partner, Jake, find themselves overwhelmed by the thrill of snagging deals, resulting in an absurd haul of useless items. Their Halloween adventure reveals the disconnect between their excitement over unique treats and the trick-or-treaters’ lack of appreciation, leading to a humorous yet relatable reflection on parenting and the joys (and challenges) of giving.