As I watched my young daughter shyly nestle her head into my shoulder while greeting her grandparents—who she hadn’t seen in over half a year—I felt a mix of emotions. They were thrilled to see her, but she was clearly uncomfortable. Their eager arms reached out, and I could feel her tiny hands clutching tighter to me, seeking safety. I leaned in, torn between the desire to comfort her and the urge to pass her into their embrace. Even the awkward “group hug” that followed felt like a violation of her boundaries. I worried about disappointing her grandparents—two excited 80-year-olds who had traveled 12 hours to see us. I offered an apologetic smile, reassuring them that she would come around soon, as if it were my responsibility to present a warm, affectionate child for them to snuggle.
Despite the potential for disappointment, my partner and I firmly believe in giving our children the autonomy to choose whether or not to hug or kiss anyone, including us. When I see my daughter hesitating to show affection to her dad—who she adores—it’s uncomfortable to witness. She freely hugs and kisses me multiple times a day, but there are moments when she simply doesn’t want to reciprocate with him, and we never force it.
Growing up in the Midwest during the 1980s, I was molded by a culture of politeness and consideration for others. I was taught to prioritize the feelings of those around me—a lesson that has become second nature. While I still value kindness and compassion, I’ve come to realize that this emphasis on physical affection can inadvertently harm children of all genders. Forcing a distressed child into a hug from someone who makes them uneasy does not teach good manners; it undermines their autonomy and can create long-term discomfort with their own bodies.
Empowering our kids to decide who they embrace is a crucial step toward helping them maintain control over their own physical boundaries. As highlighted in the Parenting Safe Children workshop, allowing children to set their own limits is vital for protecting them from potential harm, including abuse. This concept may seem far-fetched, but subtle pressures can have lasting implications. A young girl worried about hurting her cousin’s feelings or a boy tolerating unwanted tickling can inadvertently pave the way for more serious violations.
While we should certainly teach our children about polite behavior, we must not promote the idea that they should sacrifice their comfort for another’s happiness. Teaching children they can refuse unwanted affection not only helps prevent abuse, but also empowers them throughout their lives. It might even lead our daughters to assert their desires in relationships, reducing the likelihood of uncomfortable situations later on. By prioritizing their own comfort, they will be better equipped to navigate their boundaries in adulthood.
While it may be a disappointment for Grandma and Grandpa, they will certainly survive receiving a wave, a blown kiss, or a high-five for the sake of their grandchildren’s well-being. And who knows? Next time, my daughter might just sprint into their arms—when she feels ready.
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In summary, allowing our children to choose whom they hug fosters their sense of control over their bodies and can help prevent future discomfort or abuse. Although it might be disappointing for relatives, prioritizing our children’s comfort ultimately leads to healthier relationships throughout their lives.