A dear friend of mine recently lost her father, a situation that, while anticipated, remains profoundly heart-wrenching. The passing of a family member is challenging, no matter the age of the individual experiencing the loss. At 23, I said farewell to my father, and the grief I felt when my grandmother, aged 91, passed away was equally intense. Grieving can envelop us, marking the tough journey of saying goodbye.
Adults often find it difficult to navigate loss, but for children, the challenge can seem insurmountable. Young kids, especially, may struggle to grasp the permanence of death, frequently getting stuck in the bargaining phase of grief. They might attempt to bargain for their loved one’s return, believing that good behavior or good grades could somehow influence the outcome. Their natural self-focus can lead them to worry about their own safety or the well-being of other family members. For example, after losing a grandparent, it’s common for children to fret over their parents’ health.
While adults may experience grief as a series of waves that can linger for years, children’s feelings can shift rapidly. They might oscillate between sadness, anger, joy, frustration, and even excitement. Following a significant loss, it’s not unusual for children to play dead in games or repeatedly ask questions about what happened. Behavioral changes may include regression, aggression, clinginess, excessive crying, tantrums, refusal to eat, and sleep disturbances. Most of these symptoms are temporary, but if any changes significantly hinder your child’s daily functioning, consult a pediatrician right away. Play therapy can be particularly beneficial for young children navigating the complexities of grief.
Here are some effective strategies for guiding children through their grief journey:
- Be Clear About the Loss: Children need straightforward information, as lengthy explanations can be confusing. Be honest and concise. You might say, “Grandpa’s heart stopped working, which means he can’t live anymore.” For older kids, provide more specific details but keep the focus on this one incident to minimize anxiety about future losses.
- Facilitate Goodbyes: Deciding whether your child should attend a funeral can be difficult. Generally, children under 7 may struggle with this experience. However, it’s vital that all children have a chance to say goodbye. If possible, let your child create a card for their loved one or offer a brief farewell if the situation allows. If the loved one is very ill or in a distressing state, consider letting your child participate in part of the funeral service instead.
- Normalize Emotions: Children may find it hard to understand intense feelings and might even laugh when anxious. Help them to identify their emotions by naming them and demonstrating your own feelings. Explain that it’s normal to feel sad, angry, or confused, and encourage creative outlets like drawing or coloring to express these feelings. The book “When Someone Very Special Dies” by Marge Heegard is a fantastic resource for guiding kids through grief.
- Create a Memory Book: To help children process the finality of death, encourage them to make a memory book. They can choose photos, describe memories, or draw pictures related to their loved one. This allows for a personal way to revisit those cherished moments.
- Engage in Memory Activities: While older children might find closure in a funeral, younger kids often don’t grasp its significance. Consider allowing them to draw a picture to place with the loved one, or create a goodbye card that expresses their feelings. Discuss this idea with family members beforehand.
- Offer Reassurance: Kids can be egocentric, worrying about how loss might impact their own lives. Reassure them frequently about the steps you’re taking to stay healthy as a family, such as going to the doctor, eating well, and getting enough sleep. Reassurance that you are both okay is crucial.
- Avoid Misleading Phrases: It’s tough to find the right words, but it’s best to rely on clear facts, like “his body stopped working.” Steer clear of phrases that might confuse or frighten young children, such as “it was his time to go to Heaven.” Stick to simple truths that they can understand.
- Prioritize Self-Care: This point should arguably come first. It can be challenging to care for your children while grieving. Remember to seek help, rest adequately, nourish yourself, and talk to someone you trust. Demonstrating healthy coping mechanisms will teach your children valuable lessons about handling loss.
For additional support and resources on grief, you can explore this article which provides excellent insights on family dynamics during difficult times.
In summary, helping children navigate grief requires honesty, patience, and understanding. By providing clear explanations, opportunities for remembrance, and emotional support, you can guide them through their feelings and foster resilience in the face of loss.