Let’s talk about the pay we deserve as parents—because it’s definitely more than some under-$100K figure circulating on the internet since I became a mom.
Sure, professional caregivers do some of the same tasks we juggle as parents, but let’s break it down. Personal chef? Absolutely, I whip up meals for my family. Personal assistant and errand runner? Yes, that’s me, often with a smile, even if the staff at Target knows me on a first-name basis.
Cleaning lady? Well, I wouldn’t actually get hired for that job, except by my loving spouse who overlooks my cleaning skills. And when it comes to handyman tasks, well, I’ve had my share of mishaps—remember the time I accidentally shocked myself? Yeah, I draw the line at electrical work. But when it comes to fixing toys or unclogging drains, I give it my best shot, thanks to the wonders of Google.
But let’s focus on the real challenges. I’ve been through some truly messy situations—like dealing with bodily fluids. Home healthcare nurses earn an average of $27 per hour for their work. I reckon I’ve spent at least 100 hours in baby poop duty when my little ones were babies and toddlers, which adds up to about $2,700 a year in “crap management.” Honestly, I think that rate should be higher, or at least come with a bonus HazMat suit and a lifetime supply of Purell.
I also find myself playing the role of the “Bad Cop” on a daily basis, dishing out time-outs and consequences. Ever tried keeping a 2-year-old and a 4-year-old in line at the same time? That’s a recipe for constant discipline. I’ve noticed that dominatrices charge between $150 and $300 per hour for similar tasks. Here I am, doing it for free—meaning I might be missing out on a whopping $164,250 for my efforts!
Let’s not forget the times I’ve had to clean up after my kids. I’ve had urine in my eyes more times than I can count. If you hire someone to remove water or mold from your home, expect to pay at least $500. Well, how about compensation for every drop of pee that’s splashed on me?
And I’ve scooped diarrhea out of an Exersaucer—without a HazMat suit! How am I not calling the CDC on my child? Oh right, because the overtime pay for that job would need to be at least double the usual rate.
There’s also the matter of vomit. More than once, I’ve found myself cradling a bowl of it—quite literally! NYC cab drivers charge a $50 fee if you throw up in their car. Well, my hands are like vehicles, and I think I’m due some compensation for every retch I’ve caught!
Bath time? It’s like a Cirque du Soleil act every night, trying to keep my squirming babies safe in the tub. The professionals in that field earn around $72,000 a year—sounds about right for the near-daily performances I put on.
I’m constantly scouting for hazards in my home, much like a professional babyproofer who charges $75 an hour. If I tally that up for the hours I spend on alert, it’s a staggering amount. Plus, hotels charge hefty cleaning fees for messes, so what’s my compensation for the chaos my children create?
And let’s not even start on the car! I don’t deep clean it as much as I should, but if you leave a mess in a rental, expect to pay $250. Multiply that by the number of cleanings I need in a year, and you get a pretty clear picture of the value of my work.
So, after considering all these responsibilities and the chaos I manage daily, I think it’s safe to say that I deserve a salary way beyond the crumbs and occasional thumbs-up I get. Kisses are great, but it’s about time I got some real compensation for all my hard work.
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Summary
Moms do an immense amount of work that often goes unrecognized and unpaid. From cooking and cleaning to managing emotional meltdowns and bodily messes, the list is extensive. When you consider the roles we play and the challenges we face daily, it’s clear that a mom’s work is invaluable and definitely deserves to be compensated beyond hugs and kisses.