A father named Tom Harris found himself patting his own back for taking on some household tasks on his partner’s birthday when he suddenly recognized that his perspective was actually harming their relationship. Tom writes for a blog called Parenting Puzzles, where he shares his journey of raising two young daughters alongside his partner while advocating for gender equality.
Despite his commitment to empowering his daughters with ideas of fairness, Tom realized he occasionally falls into traditional thinking. Recently, he caught himself referring to making the kids’ lunches as “helping” his partner, which sparked a significant realization.
He wrote in a Facebook post, “The fact that I thought of making lunches as ‘helping’ highlights how unevenly household responsibilities can be shared. If you find yourself thinking this way, you need to change your mindset immediately.” Tom criticizes the “privilege” that comes with viewing household chores as mere assistance. “Consider the privilege—or lack of awareness—that allows someone to label their contribution to household work as ‘helping.’”
Tom understands that in a truly equitable partnership, one doesn’t just assist in reducing the other’s workload, since that indicates an imbalance to begin with. He explained, “Making lunches, washing dishes, or folding laundry isn’t ‘helping out,’ it’s about sharing responsibilities fairly.”
In a conversation with us, Tom mentioned that he and his partner have frequently discussed the frustrations surrounding household tasks as they arise. His self-awareness is evident, and he aims to promote discussions about equality in their home.
He noted, “This is a reminder that believing you contribute significantly doesn’t equate to actually doing so. If you feel like you’re the one doing most of the smaller yet meaningful tasks, it’s essential to communicate that too.”
Tom initially wrote about “helping” his partner to celebrate her birthday, but his evolving understanding of gender roles and responsibilities serves as a valuable gift in itself.
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In summary, Tom’s realization about the misconceptions surrounding “helping” in a partnership illustrates the importance of equitable division of labor in relationships. His journey of self-awareness not only benefits his marriage but also sets a positive example for his daughters.