10 Unfamiliar Body Parts After Having Kids

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Having three little ones has completely transformed my body — and the way I live my life. From the enormous creature that used to be my vagina to the varicose vein that gets caught on furniture, there are numerous parts of me that I hardly recognize anymore. Here are the top 10 changes:

1. My Unfamiliar Friend
   What you might refer to as a vagina, I now see as a massive, weary elephant after a hand mirror exploration. Sometimes I wake up from dreams where this elephant is trying to eat me. On some days, I can almost hear its tired sighs.
2. My Legs
   What I once considered legs have transformed into a hilly terrain that seems to lead straight to a nursing home. I manage to snag my varicose vein on the coffee table multiple times a day. And let’s not even talk about the allure of my compression stockings.
3. My Nightlife
   Once upon a time, I was out living it up at 10 p.m. Now, I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck by that hour. The thought of going to bed before midnight once gave me FOMO; now, I start to twitch if I’m not in bed by 11, knowing I’ll be woken up every hour through the night.
4. My Tummy
   Why is it called a muffin top? Muffins are delightful and uplifting. The doughy bulge that spills over my waistband, however, is neither delightful nor uplifting. At least it keeps my eyes from seeing my varicose vein, so there’s that.
5. My Wheels
   One word: minivan. Or maybe two words? Either way, before kids, I would’ve had the time to look it up and care about the details.
6. My Shrivelled Produce
   Also known as my breasts. After three years of nursing, I became so skilled that I could swing one behind my head and hand it out as a snack in the minivan. Just please pass it back before anyone gets out (I have standards!). Now, those days are long gone and my breasts resemble dry, shriveled carrots.
7. My Right Eye
   Is it just me, or does anyone else notice that one eye seems larger than the other post-baby? I’ve consulted Dr. Google a million times, and there’s no medical explanation for it. My once-symmetrical face now has me feeling like I could join the circus as “the wild-eyed wonder.”
8. My Wardrobe
   I was never a fashionista, but I did manage to leave the house in decent clothes for work. Now, my go-to outfit consists of torn jeans and sweats, and I secretly dread the thought of having to attend a funeral with nothing appropriate to wear.
9. My Perineum
   I didn’t even know what a perineum was until it faced the consequences of three vaginal births. Apparently, I have a short perineum, which led to some pretty unfortunate tearing. Trust me, “giant vasshole” is not a title you’d want to claim.
10. My Digestive Schedule
    I used to have a strict routine — 10 a.m. sharp every morning, right after my second cup of coffee. Now, the idea of a regular schedule is laughable. It seems my giant vasshole only decides to cooperate when I’m out in public with all three kids in tow.

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In summary, motherhood has reshaped my body and my life in ways I never anticipated. From my altered physical appearance to my shifting lifestyle, the changes are both humorous and humbling.