Before I became a parent, I entertained the notion that I would have complete control over the children I would one day raise. This fantasy is often perpetuated by those without kids who readily blame parents for their children’s outbursts in public. However, every parent knows that kids save their most embarrassing meltdowns for the most public of venues—like a grocery store checkout line—where unsuspecting parents are caught off guard. Why waste a perfectly good tantrum at home when they can showcase their vocal talents at a restaurant just as the food arrives? Truly, kids are crafty little beings and their cleverness can sometimes feel downright mischievous.
Now, after over a decade of parenting, I’ve learned there are several aspects of my children’s lives where I have no control, regardless of what I or the well-meaning childless observers think. Acceptance of this reality has made our lives significantly more pleasant. I’m not a parenting expert, and I believe each child is unique, but in the spirit of helping others avoid unnecessary stress, here are three, maybe four, battles I suggest you avoid waging with your children—if only for your mental well-being:
- What and How Much They Eat: As a parent, you’re responsible for providing healthy, balanced meals and should offer less nutritious options sparingly. However, your child ultimately decides whether to eat what you serve. You can try persuasion or even bribes, but you cannot force a child to eat without resorting to extreme measures. Trust me; you don’t want to turn mealtime into a battleground. Offer nutritious options, and let them choose what to eat. You’ll save yourself from unnecessary frustration, and any forced victory will simply lead to resentment. No child has ever declared, “You made me eat that broccoli, and now I love it!” Instead, just keep offering and don’t take it personally—it’s not worth the fight.
- When They Sleep: While enforcing a bedtime is essential, the reality is you can’t make kids fall asleep. Sleep is usually on their schedule, not yours. If you’re frustrated and demanding sleep, it’s counterproductive because it creates tension. In our busy household with four kids, there’s always someone resisting bedtime. The more we push, the longer the process takes. I’ve found that offering the option to read quietly in bed or lying down with them can help. I remind myself that these moments are fleeting, though I don’t always succeed in convincing myself of that. Yes, I still lose my cool sometimes, but I know I’m only making it harder on myself.
- Where and When They Potty: Potty training has been one of the biggest tests of my parenting. No matter which approach I take, I’ve learned just how little control I really have. Even with all the knowledge and experience, I’ve found myself racing after my child to prevent them from having an accident in the house. It’s a humbling experience, especially when they seem to have a knack for outsmarting me. My little one might have been perfect at preschool but decided to rebel at home. It was his way of asserting independence—just another reminder that I’m not the one in charge.
I suspect there’s a fourth battle that I won’t attempt to fight, and that involves when my children will experience significant milestones like their first time. I’ll tread lightly here since I haven’t navigated that territory yet. Like the other three areas mentioned, I can educate and create a supportive environment, but ultimately, it’s their body and their choice. I have a feeling that when the time comes, the first three challenges will seem simple by comparison. Thankfully, modern medicine offers a range of options for anxiety management, which I may need when that day arrives.
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In summary, embracing the unpredictability of parenting can lead to a more harmonious family life. Focus on what you can control and let go of the rest.