Before I embraced the journey of parenthood, countless well-meaning individuals assured me that the love I would feel for my children would be unparalleled. “There’s nothing like holding your baby!” they would exclaim—friends, family, and even strangers in grocery stores would share their experiences as if they were universal truths.
So, you can imagine my shock when I first cradled my daughter and was overwhelmed not by love, but by sheer panic. What if I dropped her? Was I prepared to raise her effectively? Had we even chosen the right name? These worries consumed me. Was I doomed to be a bad mother because I felt this way? It certainly felt as though I was broken inside.
The tidal wave of love didn’t wash over me until two weeks later. One sleepless night, as my daughter wailed in the early hours, I reached my breaking point. “Please,” I sobbed, “I’m trying my best, just stop crying.” Miraculously, she did. In that absurd moment, I found myself laughing. I looked at that little being, who bore traces of both her father and a comical resemblance to a famous politician, and realized she wasn’t any more certain about life than I was. My fear began to dissipate.
Later, a well-intentioned family member remarked on how this phase with my baby and my three-year-old was a “golden time.” “You’ll miss it when it’s gone,” she said. “It was the happiest period of my life.”
While my days are indeed filled with meaning, challenges, and an overwhelming amount of mess, I hesitate to label it the happiest time of my life. Admitting this makes me feel like I’m failing somehow, as if I’m doing something wrong because I don’t relish cleaning up accidents from my toddler’s carpet.
The abundance of parenting books and websites create an illusion that every issue can be solved with the right approach. If your child is acting out or refusing to potty train, the message is clear: it’s your fault if you’re not perpetually happy.
I propose we banish the term “happy” from our parenting lexicon. It suggests that unending bliss is the ultimate goal of raising children—when in reality, life is messy, challenging, and sometimes, things don’t improve. Our culture promotes the idea that every problem can be fixed, but when your little one doesn’t understand why they shouldn’t pee on the floor, it’s not as simple as following a how-to guide.
No parent who has found themselves on the floor in tears, surrounded by crying children, is broken. No mom who gazes at her child with a mix of awe and fear needs to be “fixed.” And no parent who wishes for a moment of peace amidst sticky floors and lingering odors is failing at their job. What we truly need are resources that help us embrace the full spectrum of parenting—the joys, the frustrations, the anxieties, and yes, even the fears.
I’m done chasing after the idea of happiness. Instead, I want to embrace the reality of parenting.
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Summary
Parenting is often portrayed as a journey filled with relentless joy, but the reality is much more complex. Fear, anxiety, and frustration are common feelings that many parents experience, especially in the early days. Instead of striving for an unrealistic standard of constant happiness, it’s essential to accept the full range of emotions that come with raising children. Embracing the messiness of life as a parent is ultimately more fulfilling than chasing an unattainable ideal.